Expert: Rebos - 10/29/2007

Question
Last night I caught my husband drinking once again.  3 months ago I found out that he was an alcoholic when I brought him to the ER for what I thought was severe depression.  I've been in shock ever since and have been suffering from panic attacks and extreme anxiety from it ever since.  I have caught him drinking twice since he returned from detox in August.  I am trying very hard at this point to be patient and understanding but each time I catch him I get more and more angry.  I do not want to leave him, I love him, but I'm wondering if I do would this be the incentive he needs to pull himself together or would he just sink further into the drinking? I'm at the end of my rope and just want to feel normal again not like I'm always ready to jump out of my skin.  Please any advice that you can give would be greatly appreciated.

Answer
Good Morning Sarah and thank you for your question.

It's a toss-up as to whether your husband would drink even more if you were to leave him... or stop drinking altogether by getting  help for his drinking problem. You didn't mention; Has your husband ever tried Alcoholics Anonymous or any other recovery program beyond what counseling he got at Detox? An important thing for you to remember is... NEVER THREATEN YOUR HUSBAND ABOUT ANYTHING UNLESS YOU ARE 100% SURE THAT YOU WILL FOLLOW THROUGH WITH YOUR THREAT! I recommend that you go to Alanon Meetings and look into having an intervention for your husband's alcoholism.

Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet! The following is what the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism suggests when dealing with an alcoholic.

“Getting an alcoholic into treatment can be a challenging situation. An alcoholic cannot be forced to get help except under certain circumstances, such as when a violent incident results in police being called or following a medical emergency. This doesn't mean, however, that you have to wait for a crisis to make an impact. Based on clinical experience, many alcoholism treatment specialists recommend the following steps to help an alcoholic accept treatment:

Stop all rescue missions. Family members and friends often try to protect an alcoholic from the results of their behavior by making excuses to others about their drinking and by getting him out of alcohol-related jams. It is important to stop all such rescue attempts immediately, so that the alcoholic will fully experience the harmful effects of his or her drinking--and thereby become more motivated to stop.

Time your intervention. Plan to talk with the drinker shortly after an alcohol-related problem has occurred--for example, a serious family argument in which drinking played a part or an alcohol-related accident. Also choose a time when he or she is sober, when both of you are in a calm frame of mind, and when you can speak privately.

Be specific. Tell the family member that you are concerned about his or her drinking and want to be supportive in getting help. Back up your concern with examples of the ways in which his or her drinking has caused problems for both of you, including the most recent incident.

State the consequences. Tell the family member that until he or she gets help, you will carry out consequences--not to punish the drinker, but to protect yourself from the harmful effects of the drinking. These may range from refusing to go with the person to any alcohol-related social activities to moving out of the house. Do not make any threats you are not prepared to carry out.

Be ready to help. Gather information in advance about local treatment options. If the person is willing to seek help, call immediately for an appointment with a treatment program counselor. Offer to go with the family member on the first visit to a treatment program and/or AA meeting.

Call on a friend. If the family member still refuses to get help, ask a friend to talk with him or her, using the steps described above. A friend who is a recovering alcoholic may be particularly persuasive, but any caring, nonjudgmental friend may be able to make a difference. The intervention of more than one person, more than one time, is often necessary to persuade an alcoholic person to seek help.

Find strength in numbers. With the help of a professional therapist, some families join with other relatives and friends to confront an alcoholic as a group. While this approach may be effective, it should only be attempted under the guidance of a therapist who is experienced in this kind of group intervention.

Get support. Whether or not the alcoholic family member seeks help, you may benefit from the encouragement and support of other people in your situation. Support groups offered in most communities include Alanon, which holds regular meetings for spouses and other significant adults in an alcoholic's life, and Ala teen, for children of alcoholics. These groups help family members understand that they are not responsible for an alcoholic's drinking and that they need to take steps to take care of themselves, regardless of whether the alcoholic family member chooses to get help” …. (End of suggestions)

Whether or not you intend to stay married to this man you should be going to Alanon! Alanon is where YOU will get better. What you need is to listen to others who are or have been in a similar situation that you are now in and have found an answer to their problem. I guarantee that if you attend Alanon regularly, and work on your self… YOU will get better. That’s not to say that your husband will get better because you go to Alanon, but you will learn how to detach from the illness with love and learn to hate the disease and not its victim. You have to give Alanon a chance to work for you…there are no quick fixes to your problem. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

If you have any specific questions feel free to ask me in a follow-up. If you do have an intervention please make sure that it is run by a professional who has experience in running one. Thank you, Rebos