Expert: Clyde - 12/30/2007

Question
Hi..I have been dating a guy for eight months. He is a functional alcholoic. He drinks beer from the time he wakes up in the morning untill he goes to bed. He lost his job the begining of Sept and has a few interviews but still no luck. When things get tough for him he takes zanax as well. He has told  me that when he has to work he will take the zanax untill he can get to a drink. Well my quesiton is he has suddenly just quit talking or responding to my emails. The last time we talked  all was fine. He told me he loved me ad good night...well now today he wont return my calls or anything. He did this back in early Nov he just quit talking..he dosent know why he did that he said. I forgave him and we have come along way since then. Just wondering what Im doing and getting myself into...Im hurt so bad right now. I do love him but I have three kids...14 13 and 4. I left their dad because of prescription drug abuse. Can you please give me some insight on this? Thanks

Answer
Angela,
    Thank you for your questions and the brief explanation of the situation.

     Addictive behaviors are varied.  They are not necessarily related to substances such as drugs or alcohol - they are also as a result of "repeating the same behavior and expecting different results."

     You have indicated that you left your children's father due to prescription drug abuse.  Now you find yourself involved with another man who abuses alcohol and drugs and you question why he is not talking to you.  That is a serious enough question but I am more concerned with your behavior repeated here with the drugs and alcohol.

       There are certain personality types who will find themselves gravitating to the abuse of alcohol and drugs and there are certain personality types who are drawn to those kinds of people.  I would suggest that you do some serious soul-searching about why you have done this.  Repeating this kind of love relationship may indicate some addictive behavior on your part. Only you can decide this.  You might want to consult with a counselor or therapist regarding this work.  It is not easy but it is very rewarding to finally uncover the reasons for why we do what we do.  You are evidently thinking along these lines as you stated you are just "wondering what I'm doing and getting myself into..."

       I am not discounting your questions about the relationship and I will answer more on this if you would like but primarily, a drug addict/alcoholic can not be in relationship because their notions of honesty are all wrong.  An honest person who really loves you would have told you they needed some space and some time alone BUT they would be back.  See, that relieves the loved one (in this case, you) of fears that the person is not coming back or does not like them. They have honestly stated their feelings.

      The alcoholic/addict does not know how to feel so they are at a loss when in relationship.

       Hope this helps and write again if I can be of any help.

Grace and Peace,

Clyde