Expert: Rebos - 12/27/2007

Question
My husband has finally admitted he has a drink problem,he doesnt drink every day but binges at sometimes the most inoppurtune times,one minute he is texting me all the time the next blanks me and hardly speaks when I mention this he says that its me changed not him.He has started walking out on me too,I let him back in to see our 2 little boys and he is always bamboozled by why he walked out the last time.My boys do love their Dad bbut I cant take it any more,he wont go to A.A as he says that they dont help and he doesnt want to be labelled an alcoholic.Im sick of my lonely sad life none of my friends have to live like this and I feel like an outcast.I dont want my boys to have a Dad like this my Dad was a wonderful kind man

Answer
Good afternoon Carol and thank you for your question. You have seen first hand that alcoholism is a disease of denial in that your husband doesn’t want to be labeled. He hasn’t yet figured out that there is no shame in being an alcoholic… the shame is in knowing it and doing nothing about it!

Your husband may have admitted that he has a drinking problem, but so what! If he doesn’t get help for being alcoholic then he still has reservations as to wanting to get well. He hasn’t yet hit his bottom. Unfortunately a bottom may be as low as a person can go… plus six feet! Alcoholics like all addicts are in denial that they need help. Your husband unfortunately must get to the point of “being sick and tired of being sick and tired” As long as you continue to be an enabler, in accepting his unacceptable behavior, then he will continue down the path that he is headed. . It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become “enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic's actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Any “verbal” or physical abuse by him of you should not be tolerated at all. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. If an enabler has no special knowledge (and use that knowledge effectively) about alcoholism and try to help, the alcoholic can sense the ineptness and weakness of the enabler and continue on drinking because he knows that he will be forgiven again and again. I hope that have not turned into such a person. Never threaten your husband unless you are willing to follow through with your threat. If you don’t follow through then you are in a sense “buying him” his next drink.

Whether or not you intend to stay married to this man I strongly suggest that you start to attend Alanon meetings. You may not be able to do anything about your husband’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic husband in it. At Alanon meetings you will find out what you can do to help your husband, by first learning to help yourself. Until you are armed with the right information about the disease and its implications, your efforts to help him will be for nothing. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to go to Alanon remember that dirty four letter word TIME. Give it time to work.

Of course his children love their father, but if he doesn’t get help for his drinking problem before too long they will end up hating him for what he did to the family unit. With the roll model that your sons have in a drunken father there is a good possibility that will end up like their father… what other male roll model do they have in their lives?

Your husband is absolutely correct that AA won’t help him… because doesn’t want help! I have never seen an alcoholic stop drinking using their willpower for the long haul. Your husband should never be rewarded for any of his irresponsible actions. He must be held responsible for them. Something must be done to stop his spiral downward. It is very common for an alcoholic to lie about their drinking. They will usually lie at the drop of a hat to protect their right to drink. That is what alcoholics do. Of course your husband will not want to go to a Detox or AA, because addiction to alcohol is a disease of denial. It tells him that he is okay when his life may be falling apart. Alcoholics are famous for blaming people, places and things for their drinking. It is generally believed (in AA which has the best track record for recovery) that alcoholism is a three-fold disease… mental, physical, and spiritual. The “mental part”; deals with the thought that precedes the first drink... a preoccupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that the alcoholic must drink. The “physical part” is that once the first drink is downed a physical compulsion takes over and the alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside force or incident stops them. And last but not least, the “spiritual part” of the illness. Not spiritual in a religious way, but in the loss of values and a willingness to settle for less and less as his drinking continues. Stopping drinking, for an alcoholic, is not a matter of willpower. Drinking alcoholically is a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for your husband to recover. Without your husband learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before he must drink again. For an alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing to beer or wine, or even switching to the near beer with 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or mind-altering substances (drugs). The exception is a doctor’s prescription as long as he or she knows that the patient is an addict!

I can’t advise you as what to do, but I will say this…If your husband is allowed to continue drinking, doesn’t turn himself in to a detox clinic, and then continue to faithfully go to AA EVERY DAY after his detoxification is over, he is setting you up to living a miserable, unhappy and abusive life. Emotional pain is a very lonely experience. Do something good for yourself and go to Alanon. If I can be of further help please send me a follow-up question. Thank you Rebos