Expert: Rebos - 10/20/2006

Question
Rebo we fight about stupid stuff all the time..
he does not make sense to me alot of the time because
i think he over reacts. His  response to what i say ..is so imature..So it is inevitable that another blackout is comming?.. i mean he has no intention of stopping the alcohol ..today he told me that he has it undercontrol but he has just gotten a job out of town that involves television.. i feel its a job with a lot of temptation..
should i just move on.. if i stay am i doomed for a life full of ups and downs with alcohol and blackouts..
thankyou for your response.. i appreciate your help  -------------------------------------------
The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
hi here is my question
can a person have a warped sense of reality
even if he drinks one drink every day?
my boyfreind has had 4 black outs since ive known him in 2 and a half years now its been about 2 months since the last black out.. and now he drinks one drink and maybe skips a day and has 2 and then one week he will have one beer or glass of wine every day ..
i pored out his glass of wine today..he said he needed it for a stomach ache he was having...geeze..
i told him i would make him some tea.
thankyou for your time
amber
-----Answer-----
Good morning Amber:

Thank you for your question. If your boyfriend has a drinking problem he will eventually return back to his old ways of drinking (with blackouts). It may be a while though, but if he is using wine to self medicate for stomach aches, because of his drinking history, he should be seeing a doctor, and not drinking something that he has bad experiences with. If his drinking causes him problems, (blackouts), then it is a problem! Yes, the loss of “reality” that you speak of is known as addiction. An alcoholic will make all kinds of excuses to protect his right to continue drinking.

I hope that I have helped you with your situation. Thank you, Rebos


Answer
Good afternoon Amber:

Thank you for your follow up question. Alcoholism is a disease of denial; it tells you that you are OK when you really aren’t. Most alcoholics want to believe that they have their drinking under control, but if you have to think about controlling your drinking then you have already lost control of your drinking. Social drinkers don’t have to say, “I’ll only have one or two…or I’ll only drink on weekends…or I’ll switch to beer instead of the hard stuff”. Also, “working drunks” are usually the hardest to convince that they may have a drinking problem, because they think they are successful, have two cars, are making big money, getting promotions and even go to work everyday. Their addiction tricks them and they remain in denial. I will tell you what I tell many others who are in your situation…

The action that you take will undoubtedly determine what the rest of your will be like! If your boyfriend does not stop drinking, and you stay with him, you are looking at a relationship and the good possibility of having a lifetime full of pain and misery. If he does not stop for sure he will get worse. If you continue to stay you will become his victim, but never his girlfriend, lover or wife. Drinking alcoholics take “hostages” they never take partners, because their alcoholism does not allow them to have a normal relationship with another human being.

Alcoholics who are still drinking are generally self-centered to the extreme, booze is more important to them than ANYTHING ELSE. As much as he may love you his addiction will never allow you to come first, booze will always come before you, his health, his job, his family, and even his very life. By breaking up with him you may be doing him a big favor by helping to raise his “bottom”. In other words he just may recognize that he has lost another thing that was important in his life. But in his case I doubt if he even cares for you since all that he does is argue with you. I know of many cases where the non-drinker of a couple ends up “joining” the drinker as a matter of their own survival. What ever you do (unless you are also having a drinking problem) don’t join him in his drinking, because to be a male alcoholic is bad enough, but to be a female alcoholic is much worse because of the “special” problems that a woman drunk faces. You will become his weak prey that he can do with you whatever he wants to.

It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become “enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic’s actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. The alcoholic can sense the weakness of the enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be forgiven and rescued time and time, again. In a backhanded way you will give him “permission” to drink by your continued acceptance of his unacceptable behavior. What ever you decide to do it should be based upon your head talking and not your heart. Don’t let your actions appear to be allowing him to continue drinking. If you continue on the road that you are on you haven’t seen anything yet. Alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own. I would make it very clear to him that you do not want to hear from him again until he does something positive about his drinking problem…and then only after he has been sober in a program of recovery (like AA) for at least one full year. Never make any threat to him unless you intend to follow through with it.

HOWEVER, if for some insane reason you cannot stop yourself from continuing your relationship with him, then it would be wise for you to go to Alanon meetings. It is the only way that you will survive the ordeal of having an alcoholic in your life. If you do choose to remain in your relationship with him and you don’t attend meetings you have no one to blame for your situation but yourself.

Alcoholics are not bad people, they are sick people who need help, but they must be held responsible for their actions! You may not be able to do anything about your boyfriend’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having alcoholic in it. Until you are armed with the right kind of information, knowledge and implications of the disease, your efforts to help him will be for nothing.

Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. Please go to Alanon meetings it will be your only chance to survive if you choose to remain in the relationship.

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for an alcoholic to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as “white knuckle sobriety”. It isn’t very long before the alcoholic has to drink again. FOR THE ALCOHOLIC THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS CUTTING DOWN, drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink, smoking pot or taking other mind altering drugs or even switching to “near beer” with 0.05% alcohol. For the alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor understands that he or she is dealing with an addicted person.

Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some many may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet! Don’t let him take you there with him. Let him go and get on with your life. Once again, you may help to save his life by raising his bottom even if you are no longer together. Until he “admits and accepts” that alcohol is causing him problems there is little you can do for him. No one can scare an alcoholic into stopping drinking. Threatening, begging and even putting him away against his wishes will not get him to stop doing what he has not made up his own mind to do. Don’t think that he does not want to stop, he can’t stop when left to his own devices. Also, don’t be lulled into thinking that an he will stop drinking just because he says that he will. It’s not that he will purposely lie to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he is afraid to stop. Alcoholism is powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious.

Rarely have I seen an alcoholic stop drinking on willpower alone. The disease is too powerful.

There is no reason why you should remain in such a horrible situation. Just ask yourself what you would advise a friend to do if she came to you and explained the same
situation that you are going through as her problem. I would bet that you would tell her to get away from him ASAP. You were not put on this earth to allow another person to enslave you and have to live in fear and yet do nothing about it.

If you do talk to him or write him a letter you may want to say that you are leaving him because of his drinking. And… that until he is sober for at least a year or more that you do not want to hear from him or have any contact with you. You have to get on with your life.

God forbid that you have a child with him and then become tied to him for the rest of your life and I am sure that he won’t be a provider. His drinking will always come first. I wish you the very best and I hope that I have not taken too much liberty with you in the way I have responded to your question. You seem to be intelligent women…don’t let this man destroy your life. Get out while you can, and concentrate on someone who can love you, more than booze. I know that you love him…but HE can’t love you and alcohol at the same time If I can be of further help please do not hesitate to contact me again through Allexperts. Thank you, Rebos.