Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 11/3/2007

Question
Hi,
In my very frustrated state I came to my computer this morning and typed in what to tell an alcoholic that wants to stop. You web site came up and I just wanted to say what a great site it is. Sometimes you can search for hours and never find info you are looking for.
My boyfriend is 50 years old and an alcoholic and severely addicted to xanax. And yes, I am still with him after three years. I think what keeps me here is that fact that he doesn't fit all of the bad characteristics as most always described when generalizing the alcoholic. He does not get mean when he is drinking. He gets stupid. He is extremely responsible. He excels at is work, he makes good money and he seems to be there for me when I need him. He can fix almost anything, he is very smart and generous with helps me with money and bills. The reason I am telling you this is because I have been to alnon allot and in general people describe the alcoholic as having such horrible traits such as lying, cheating, sealing, scum bags. When I went to alanon the consencious was, "leave him", "get away" their bad. I didn't like that. Aren't there some alcoholics that can be good people deep inside that are worth the effort to stay with in "slim" hopes that they might stop someday?
Don't get me wrong, as I said he is an alcoholic and addicted to xanax so yes he has the usual very deep problems or I wouldn't be writing this. I was just describing his good traits.
He is very depressed of course. He takes three xanax a day and drinks probably 4 nights a week. And on the weekends he has gets falling down drunk at least one night and the rest of the weekend he is lying on the couch until around 8pm when it's time to start drinking again. There are times when he is in control of course and we go out for dinner and do have a good time or visit family or do things while he is sober or sometimes fairly sober but most of the time, it's the couch. Yes, it is very depressing for me to see him this way and he gets very secluded and withdrawn at times he is not there for me emotionally and I have to fight to remind myself that it's the drugs and alcohol.
After a recent episode of him taking two xanax and drinking and falling down and his 17 yr. old had to pick him up I made the decision to call his family who do not live close by and just plain and simply inform them of the situation. Not that anyone can do anything but I thought it was time to stop covering for him and just let them know, knowing what my consequence would be with him. He didn't talk to me for a week and told me he spent the week very sad and crying and tells me he's not sure why he is so depressed.
Last night he said to me tell me what to do and I will do it. Well, I know I can't tell him what to do. But my question is I don't really know how to respond to his cry for help. It is always said, you can't help, don't emable, don't push for the alcoholic to stop. To the point that I don't know what to say! Do I just walk away. He sometimes tells me he wants to stop and I hate to let those very few moments go to waste.  Is the only response to direct him to a meeting? He is not really the spiritual type and it is hard for some people get into the let go and let God part of AA.
I try very hard not to enable, I can be very good at it but I have learned the ropes from alanon in a previous relationship. I don't always succeed. But I think there must be very subtle ways to help the alcoholic get ready to stop if they are feeling that they want to. Do you have suggestions. Should I supply articles on effects of mixing xanas and alcohol? Or literature. A good way to respond to the cry for help that can make them think with out pushing them? Do you have any articles on what to say to the alcoholic with out making them feel like you are always criticizing but being honest? I know there are words that that can help but I am feeling a loss for them right now.
Sorry for the lengthiness! It's not easy to explain the desperation one feels for alcoholism as you know.

Answer
Dear Sabrina

Even though he may have good qualities that outweigh the bad, you have to know that alcoholism is a progressive disease and he will get worse. If he asks what to do, suggest that he go get treatment for his drinking. That doesn't necessarily mean AA.