Expert: Rebos - 4/4/2005

Question
my son who is now 27 drinks to much,he comes home from work and straight to the fridge for a beer,at the weekend he spends all weekend drinking either out or at home,im affraid that he might have a problem but he thinks im nagging him, im thinking more of his health and he just says i dont drink that much and i dont go out much i need a drink to unwind then he has sleep problems which i blame the booze but he says im over reacting, even his friends say he drinks to much.eg. he went out friday night and was drunk till sunday afternoon and still drinking more there is always beer in the fridge and he drinks everyday all e it 4 or 5 but to me that is far to much and cant be good for him.What can i do to make him see he isnt doing himself any good and he may have a problem. lynn

Answer
Good afternoon Lynn:

Thank you for your question. I will give you some thoughts concerning your son's drinking problem, and some specific actions that you can take to help you, and in turn maybe help him.

It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become “enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. If an enabler has no special knowledge or training in the field of alcoholism and they try to help… an alcoholic can sense the ineptness and weakness of an enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be forgiven and rescued time and time again. In a backhanded way an enabler is giving an alcoholic “permission” to drink by their continued acceptance of an alcoholic's unacceptable behavior. Because alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own. Every time you overlook your son's problem, get him out of a jam, lend him money, lie for him, or in any way allow him to get away with being irresponsible, you are in reality buying your son his next drink. Alcoholics are users. They are too self-centered to think about any thing other than their next drink. They don't have mothers, fathers, family, lovers, wives, children or friends they have “victims” and take “hostages” as long as they can get away with it their drinking.

The best advice that I can give you is to attend Alanon meetings. When you do go you will find that your problem is not quite as unique as you may think. At Alanon you will learn how to live with having an alcoholic in your life, and about the disease of alcoholism. You will learn how to say what you mean, mean what you say and not be mean when you say it. They will show you how to detach from the alcoholic with love. You will also learn to never threaten an alcoholic and not follow through with your threats. You will learn how to be strong enough to resist the influence that your son has over your life. Alanon is intended to help you, and not your son directly. However, in order for you to be able to help him, you must first learn to help yourself. At Alanon you will meet others who have an alcoholic in their lives, and that their lives have become unmanageable also. Alcoholism is a disease that affects everyone who comes into contact with an alcoholic. Your son is not a bad person…he is a sick person that somehow has lost his way to be able to help himself. Your son must be held responsible for his actions! You may not be able to do anything about your son's drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic in it. Until you are armed with the right kind of information, and understand the disease, your efforts to help will be for nothing. Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. For meeting locations, you can call your local Al-Anon chapter (check your local phone book under "Alcoholism") or call the following toll-free numbers: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

It may be worthwhile for me to pass on some information (that you may not know) about  the disease of alcoholism…It is generally believed, by many in the field of alcoholism, that it is a three-fold disease… Mental, Physical, and Spiritual.

The “mental” part of the illness is not about the crazy things that drunks do when they drink but, it has to do with the mental obsession that precedes the drink before your son even picks up his first drink of the day... a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that your son must drink. In so many words, thinking about the drink in between the drinks. The alcoholic never seems to worry about the drink in front of them, but they always think of the next one. The “physical” aspect of the disease is, not that a person has destroyed his health, (liver, pancreas, brain damage etc.) but, what it is, is a physical compulsion that sets in after the first drink is downed. The physical compulsion to continue drinking takes over in the form of a deep incessant craving that an alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside incident stops them or they pass out. The “spiritual” part of the illness (has nothing to do with religion) it has to do with the loss of an alcoholic's values, and a willingness to settle for less and less as their drinking continues. It becomes difficult for an alcoholic to determine the difference between right and wrong or good and bad. The alcoholic develops a change in priorities where drinking becomes more important than health, family, job and friends.

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that your son will have to face up to in order to stop drinking. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn't very long before your son will continue to drink again and again no matter how many times he may promise to stop drinking. For any alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink, or even switching to “near beer” with 0.5% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor's prescription as long as the doctor understands that he or she is dealing with an addicted person. Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet!

Remember, as it presently stands your life is being controlled by a very sick person. If you don't go to Alanon the least you can do is to try and get your self out of the picture completely (which is a very difficult thing to do because, after all its your son and not a complete stranger that we are talking about) and simply tell those who try to drag you back into it that you want no part of it until your son does some thing positive about stopping drinking…like going to AA or some other support program.

There is no one method used in the recovery of alcoholism that works for everyone, and there is no cure for the disease of alcoholism. If you take a cucumber and turn it into a pickle, you can never change it back to a cucumber again. Once an alcoholic - always an alcoholic. There are recovering alcoholics and there are active alcoholics. That being said alcoholism is not a moral issue. It is considered a disease by the American Medical Assoc. There is no shame in being an alcoholic the shame is in doing nothing about it!

Unfortunately, AA or any other method that an active alcoholic may try to use to recover does not always work for those who need it, but will always work for those who want it. Your son may need a detox and some in house counseling.  If he is healthy and does not yet have convulsions or seizures during his sober periods he probably can do without being detoxified. However if his health has deteriorated it would be wise for him not to stop “cold turkey”.

From its earliest days, AA has enjoyed the friendship and support of doctors who are familiar with its program of recovery from alcoholism. Doctors, better than any other group, are in a position to appreciate how unreliable other approaches to the problem of alcoholism have been in the past. AA has never been advanced as the only answer to the problem of alcoholism, but the AA recovery program has worked so often, after other methods have failed, that doctors today are frequently the most outspoken boosters of the AA program. The AMA has stated that AA membership is still the most effective means of treating alcoholism. In AA's words they say, “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they have seemed to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living that demands rigorous honesty”.

As long as your son thinks that he has no problem there is very little that you can do for him other than what I wrote earlier. No alcoholic can get sober and stay sober for the long haul on his own. He is destined to get worse and will most likely end up doing things that he once thought that he would never do. For example, lose his license, his job, his family, friends and their respect, and maybe he will be one of those unfortunates who run someone over while drunken driving. Believe me I am not trying to scare you but all of these things and worse are “yets” to happen… and they eventually do happen to alcoholics that continue to drink.

Very simply, AA is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for AA membership, and it is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization, or institution. AA can be found in the yellow pages of the phone book.

In closing, I hope that you do not disregard my suggestion for you to attend Alanon meetings. And I hope that I have not taken too many liberties with you in my response to your question. If I can be of further help feel free to contact me again. Thank you Rebos