Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 12/1/2007

Question
My partner of 7 years does not drink every day. I am with him 3 nights a week (we both have children so do not live together) and the other 4 nights he drinks.  He does not believe it is a problem because he does not crave alcohol every day, but once he has one drink he cannot stop until he can no longer function - then drives home.  He leaves his children (they are 9, 10 and 12) at home by themselves and often will not get home until well after midnight or not at all, but he says the kids want him to go out and have a good time so they're not bothered. He can't remember anything the next day. He doesn't see anything wrong, and has no plans to stop. He says what he does when I am not with him is none of my business, but I worry about his health and his kids, particularly with the driving.  He is 49.  I love him so much when he is sober, but I hate who he is when he is drunk, and the older his kids get the more he drinks because they are capable of looking after themselves. Long story I know, but my question is, is he an alcoholic? and if he is, should I walk away from this relationship? He has no family here and the kids have no mother, if something happens to him they will go to foster care, so I am scared to walk away. Can he change?

Answer
Hi Kris,
It's a positive sign of your mental health that you are asking for help; too often a person in your situation will deny the presence of a problem. To start with, as I am sure you know, the fact that your partner does not drink every day merely suggests he is not physically dependent on alcohol and does not rule out an alcoholism diagnosis. Many alcoholics do not drink every day; it's what happens when one drinks that counts. These are the indicators of alcoholism (they seem to be a pattern of behavior and not just occasional incidents) that I see from your description of your partner's behavior: loss of control after the first drink;  drinking to drunkenness; driving under the influence; endangering his children (may even be considered legal neglect), which is I am sure a behavior against his value system and another problem indicator; blackouts; much denial of his problem; and last, but not least, adverse effects on his relationship with you. It's difficult for me to make a definitive diagnosis from these data, but he sounds like an alcoholic from these indicators. My suggestion is that you attend Al-Anon meetings (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/) for support, that you be up front with your partner about your concerns and perhaps give him a copy of this response (when he is sober). See my website for further help (just copy and paste it into your browser): http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com/FamilyAddictionsCounselingonline.html You can reach me here: jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com. Good luck.