Expert: Clyde - 9/27/2007

Question
so this is a long story but i'm desperate. I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year and he is an alcoholic. I met him when he was drinking and when I finally realized he had a problem about two weeks later I said no way, I'm not doing this. Well, he got sober and had been sober for about 13 months until about 3 weeks ago. The first relapse occurred because he was stressed because he was waiting to find out if he got the jbo he wanted. It lasted only about three days and he came back to me because he said he couldn't live without me. He was sober for about 2 and a half weeks and he finally got the call saying he did get the job. So he recently moved, about 8 hours away from me and we have done long distance before so I knew we could make it, 3 days after he moved there he started drinking again. Today is the sixth day in a row. He starts his job monday oct.1. His job is actually in his home town and his parents live right around the corner from him. Not to mention he is staying in his sister's million dollar beach house for now until he finds a place. I am absolutely broken hearted. The whole year he was sober was fabulous, we never had any problems and I knew he was the one for me. I wanted to marry him and have kids with him and now I'm scared. I know that he wants to get better because he has told me but even if he does I'm afraid this will happen further down the line when it is even more complicated with marriage and children but I can't stand to live without him. I keep praying everyday that the next day will be the last day. His parents are totally enabling him too. He wrecked his car yesterday and his dad is paying for to get it fixed so that he can drive it to work. His mom just spent $2000 on clothes for him for his new job and they are still letting him stay in the beach house. Everyone is giving me different advice and I just am completely beside myself.

Answer
Anne-Marie,
  Thank you for your question and sharing your story.  It is a reminder to me the ravages of this thing we call alcoholism.
  I can not say anything about your boyfriend's drinking as I do not know him but I can share my observations of people who drink in the manner of you speak.  Any time someone uses any substance or behavior to alter their moods or to hide from emotions they are displaying potential "alcoholic" tendencies.  The "ism" in alcoholism extends to any of these things.  I am concerned even when I hear someone say that they enjoy the relaxing feeling of a good glass of wine in the evening.  It tells me that there is certainly the "feeling" of a buzz from even that small amount to the drug.
   Stress is not a valid reason to drink alcohol.  It signals something else is missing in the person's make-up and character.  We in Alcoholics Anonymous talk about our "defects of character" which we learn are the reasons why we are prone to bad behaviors like drinking to excess.  We also understand that saying this about ourselves is not negative or personally demeaning, it simply says we have areas in our lives in which we need some maturity and growth.  Therefore, I am not demeaning him in any way when I say something is lacking in his character.
   It seems to me that a healthy way to relieve stress of this nature is to be honest with someone about that stress and seek advice on how to overcome it.  Perhaps a good friend would suggest sports or running or the like; maybe spending more quality time doing something one enjoys rather than the empty stress relief of alcohol.  The problem with alcohol is that is becomes a crutch on which to lean and then addiction sets in - we are hooked on a substance to alter our moods.  One mood alteration leads to another and we depend on alcohol in all instances to be the magic cure for all our ills. We have reached addiction.
  It strikes me that if a person is truly in love with another they would have that person's well-being foremost in their minds.  If I moved 8 hours from my girlfriend I would be missing her dearly and making every effort to include her in all my plans - where to live, what to buy to furnish it, how long to be apart.  All these considerations would figure in heavily as I made my move.  I certainly don't know how your boyfriend acts in this regard  but I offer it as a measure of whether there is concern for the other person.
  Concern would also be measured by whether a person abstains from bad behavior that has caused problems in the past regarding relationships.  I take it that drinking has caused some problems.  A person who truly loves another would recall the hurts and pains and refrain from repeating such actions.
   I think you are accurate in what you have intuited from his behaviors and in the behaviors of others to help him out of scrapes.  Our gut instincts are pretty good in this regard.  Enabling can be a big source of problems and there are all sorts of reasons why enabling is done.  It speaks volumes about upbringing, family ties, and family secrets.
  I know that you must love your boyfriend by what you have shared.  I also suspect that you enable to a certain extent yourself.  I say this because you began your story by saying "no way, I'm not doing this."  Yet you are doing it.  We have to be honest with ourselves and ask "what is missing in me to allow something like alcohol to destroy my sense of worth and what I want out of life?"  When we say "no way" to something and yet hang around there is something unhealthy in that.  You'll need to do some soul searching to ascertain what Anna-Marie wants.  Then you will have to decide how far are you willing to compromise yourself, your dreams, desires, and future.
 It is my belief that if this is a good relationship for you and is intended to move on into a healthy marriage down the road, your taking a stand that says "I am out of here" now and maintaining that stance until such time as some positive proof of a permanent change in his actions becomes absolutely evident must be part of your life's plan.  If pressed by this healthiness on your part, he just may see what he stands to lose and make the positive changes necessary.  If he can't you will have to enter the pain and feel the hurt of loss as you break the bonds between the two of you.  You will survive and someone else is waiting for a healthy individual such as you would be in order to love and honor who you are.
  I hope this helps and you are always welcome to send more questions or share more about the situation.
Grace and Peace,
Clyde