Expert: Rebos - 6/30/2006

Question
I am having an issue with my new brother-in-law. My husband and I were married six weeks ago, and he has been very close with his brother, who is only about 14 months younger, for his entire life. My husband has expressed concerns several times over the course of our 4-year relationship about "Mike"'s drinking, but no one seems to actual do anything about it or say anything about it to Mike except my husband. Mike even got drunk on beer at my mother- and father-in-law's home and fell in the parking lot outside their house, cutting his eye. He made a joke about it. My mother-in-law tells my husband she's concerned, yet there Mike is, drinking in her home.

The last straw came when Mike, the best man, showed up for our wedding without having shaved. My mother-in-law chastised him and he hurried home, shaved, and came back to the ceremony. However, he was so angry about her telling him to go home and shave that he and his date--a girl my husband and I met the night before at our rehearsal dinner--completely blew off our reception and didn't even show up once. I can't help but think that part of the reason is that we had an alcohol-free reception, as my parents are conservative Christians who don't drink, as I know that Mike and his girlfriend went out drinking in lieu of coming to the reception. Allegedly, he woke up the next morning hung over and full of regret and an apologetic phone call was on its way, according to my mother-in-law. Six weeks later, that call has never come. I was so hurt and angry at his selfishness, and still am. My husband feels the same, but is upset enough and misses his closeness with Mike that he is ready to "bury the hatchet." He has told me that he needs my support in order to do this, since it won't work if he's fine with the situation and I'm still angry.

I'm honestly mystified by all of this. My husband and I talked just after the wedding about how this is an obvious symptom of Mike's alcoholism and I told him that I feel like Mike needs to have something drastic happen--like his entire family staging an intervention or taking some kind of stand against his drinking--to force him to take responsibility for the things he has and hasn't done.  

I need to know whether I am right or whether my husband is right. I have genuine love for my brother-in-law and want him to get better, but I don't see how letting him step all over everyone in the family and then us coming back for more is doing anything for him. Please let me know what we should do.

Answer
Good afternoon Stephanie:

Thank you for your question. My short answer is…You are right! You, your husband, and his mother should go to Alanon. There is no reason why your husband needs to bury the hatchet for the unacceptable behavior of his brother!

It may be well for me to explain to you and your husband some of the basic truths about alcoholism. However, above all don’t let your brother-in-law’s disease destroy your family! Its enough that he is going to destroy his mother’s life!

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that you brother-in-law will eventually have to face up to in order to stop drinking for the long haul. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before he will continue to drink again and again no matter how many times he may promise to stop drinking. For any alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink, or even switching to “near beer” with 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor understands that he or she is dealing with an addicted person. Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet!

It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become “enablers”. If his mother or even you or your husband end up enabling him then all of should take to heart what I am writing to you. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of an alcoholic's actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. An alcoholic can sense the ineptness and weakness of an enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be forgiven (and if necessary rescued time and time again). If you or you or other concerned members of the family become enablers in a backhanded way you will be giving your brother-in-law “permission” to drink by your continued acceptance of his unacceptable behavior and his lack of concern as to how you all feel about his drinking. That should be a hint to you that he is faced with a serious drinking problem. What ever the family decides to do, it should be based upon your heads talking and not your hearts. Don’t let any of your family’s actions appear to be allowing him to continue drinking if you do not want him to drink. Alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own. Neither, you or others in the family should EVER make any threats to your brother-in-law that you are not willing to follow through with. If you do then you will in a sense be buying him his next drink!

It would be wise for you and your family to attend Alanon meetings. If you go to Alanon you will find that your problem is not quite as unique as you may think. At Alanon you would learn how to live with having an alcoholic in your life, and learn the truth about the disease of alcoholism. Alanon is intended to help the concerned non-drinker and not the Alcoholic directly. In order for you to be able to help him you must first learn to help yourselves At Alanon you will meet people who also have an alcoholic in their lives, and that their own lives had become unmanageable as a result of it. Alcoholism is a disease that affects everyone who comes into contact an alcoholic. Alcoholics are not bad people, they are sick people who need help, but they must be held responsible for their actions! You may not be able to do anything about your brother-in-law’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has already developed in your lives by having an alcoholic in it. Until you are armed with the right kind of information about the disease your efforts to help him will be for nothing. Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. If you do not have your local Alanon number call toll-free: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

It is generally believed, by many in the field of alcoholism, that it is a three-fold disease: Mental, Physical, and Spiritual.

The “mental” part of the illness is not about the crazy things that drunks do when they drink but, it has to do with the “mental obsession” to drink even before the drink is picked up... a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that an alcoholic must drink, even though they know what the end result will be. The “physical” aspect of the disease is, not that a person is destroying their health, (liver, pancreas, brain damage etc.) but, it is the physical compulsion that sets in after the first drink is downed. The physical compulsion to continue to drink takes over in the form of a deep incessant craving that an alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside incident stops them or they pass out. The “spiritual” part of the illness (which has nothing to do with religion) has to do with the loss of an alcoholic’s values, and a willingness to settle for less and less as their drinking continues. It becomes difficult for an alcoholic to determine the difference between right and wrong or good and bad. The alcoholic develops a change in their priorities where drinking becomes more important than health, family, job and friends.

As far as your brother-in-law cutting down, forget it…it does not work! Never has and never will. Until he “admits and accepts” that alcohol is causing him and the family problems there is little you can do for him. No one can scare an alcoholic into stopping drinking. Cajoling, hand-wringing, threatening, begging and even putting him away against his will, will not get him to stop doing what he has not made up his own mind to do. Don't think that he does not want to stop… he can't stop when left to his own devices. Also, don't be lulled into thinking that he will stop drinking just because he may say that he will. It's not that he will purposely lie to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he is afraid to stop. Alcoholism is powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious. An active alcoholic's choices become limited to: attending a recovery program like AA, or entering an in-patient detoxification clinic that has an after care outpatient program and a half way house program. He needs some distance between him and his last drink. If he does nothing about stopping then he is destined to die a drunk's death, get involved negatively with the law (if he hasn’t already) or end up in a mental institution. I am sorry to be blunt, but I am only stating what you probably already know. I have never seen an alcoholic stop drinking on willpower alone. The disease is too powerful. False pride and fear has a lot to do with him not wanting to do anything his drinking problem

I hope that I have not offended you by my directness relative to your question, but alcoholism is a deadly disease. I know of no one who has ever recovered from alcoholism on willpower alone. Your brother-in-law can save himself a lot of time and money by going to AA for his recovery, and I recommend it highly. Remember, alcoholism is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be recognized (and do something about it) or the disease will progress until your brother-in-law (if he is fortunate) hits his bottom before it kills him, or someone else, he ends up in jail, becomes totally un-employable, loses his friends, his family, and most important of all… himself. He’s GOTTAWANNA. There is no “good fairy” that is going to come down and tap him on the shoulder and make him “all better”. It is going to take a lot of discipline and hard work by him for him to come back to the world of the “living”. However, it is done just “one day at a time”. If you feel that an intervention is in order then go for it but make sure that you have a professional run the intervention that is familiar with alcoholism.

I hope that I have given you enough information in my answer to you. If I can be of further service to you please write to me again. Thank you, Rebos.