Expert: Rebos - 12/28/2006

Question
I am 40 years old, and think I have hit the end with my alcoholic father. He doesn't think he has a problem, so there has never been a discussion about treatment. He starts drinking at noon and doesn't stop until bed. I made him angry 3 years ago, and he won't let it go. I wouldn't stay at his house, but invited him to visit with us nearby. He's made me miserable since. He refused my Christmas gift to him. I struggle with depression and anxiety. I called and asked his wife to tell him to forget about me. He's making my siblings miserable because he constantly complains about me.
I just didn't want my kids and husband to have to deal with him when he's drinking. I sat in the car with him countless times while he was drinking and driving and was forced to mix his drinks. I can't do it anymore. There seems to be no way out of the guilt and depression. I don't know what else to do but cut ties completely. Am I right?

Answer
Good afternoon Amy, and thank you for your question.

No, you don’t have to cut your father off completely as long as you start going to Al-Anon meetings.

At Alanon you will learn how to live with having an alcoholic in your life, and about the disease of alcoholism. You will learn how to say what you mean, mean what you say and not be mean when you say it. You will learn how to be strong enough to resist the influence that your father has over your life. Alanon is intended to help you and not necessarily your father directly. However, in order for you to be able to help him, you must first learn to help yourself. At Alanon you will meet others who have an alcoholic in their lives, and that their lives have become unmanageable also. Alcoholism is a disease that affects everyone who comes into contact with an alcoholic. Your father is not a bad person…he is a sick person that somehow has lost his way to be able to help himself. Never-the-less, your father must be held responsible for his actions! You may not be able to do anything about your father’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic in it. Until you are armed with the right kind of information, and understand the disease, your efforts to change your life will be for nothing. Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. For meeting locations, you can call your local Al-Anon chapter (check your local phone book under "Alcoholism") or call the following toll-free numbers: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

I have difficulty in believing that you want your father to love you so much that you actually mixed his drinks and gave them to him WHILE HE WAS DRIVING A CAR. You must have a very low self esteem to pull a stunt like that! At Al-Anon you will learn how to detach from your father with love, and learn to hate the disease of alcoholism and not your father. If you don’t go to Al-Anon you haven’t seen anything yet…your father will get sicker and sicker as his disease progresses and you will become more depressed and anxious. In a way you are allowing a mentally, physically and spiritually sick person run your life.

It is my opinion that your children are being affected by your father’s actions, and the turmoil in your family home a lot more than you may be seeing since you are so preoccupied by your father. Keep an eye on what is going on in your own home instead of your father’s and your sibling’s homes. I would consider in addition to you going to Al-Anon that your father be kept away from his grandchildren until he decides to get some help for his drinking problem. Just don’t invite him over anymore, or if he shows up at your house don’t let him in. It is not your problem that your father is driving your siblings crazy by him continually talking about you to them. DON”T MAKE THEIR PROBLEM YOUR PROBLEM! It has nothing to do with you!

I know that I haven’t solved your problem, but I have tried to make you aware that there is a way out for you to rid yourself of being controlled by your father’s sickness. If I can be of further help feel free to send a follow-up question. Thank you, Rebos