Expert: Rebos - 11/16/2006

Question
My fiance goes to bars and drinks 6-7 times a week, to the point of getting drunk. I had been drinking 3-5 days a week for about 6 months before meeting him and was pretty sure I had a problem with alcohol. When we started dating we drank together just about every day, and this went on for about 5 months. We've been together for 7 months now, and my drinking has gone down to 2-3 times a week. I still think alcohol is a problem for me. He goes to the bar without me(I work afternoons, he works days)now, Monday-Thursday. He has been saying since I met him that he's not an alcoholic, he just goes out of boredom and he can't sit in the house alone every evening. He doesn't drink at home, which in his mind makes him not an alcoholic. On my days off he still doesn't want to stay home together though. He wants to go out with me and drink together. About 50% of the times we drink together we end up fighting about something, and he gets very verbally abusive and once in awhile physically abusive. I am to the point where I would like to stop drinking, or at least cut it down to once a week at the most. I know I can't make him stop drinking, but I don't know how to deal with his drinking. I also don't know how I'm ever going to be able to stop drinking as long as we're together.  

Answer
Good afternoon Amy:

Thank you for your question. I have the solution as to how to deal with your boyfriend’s drinking…Lose him! He is in denial and God himself can’t stop a drunk from drinking unless he wants to stop drinking.

Having only 7 months invested in your “present boyfriend” it is my opinion that you should get rid of him before you get too emotionally attached to him. Just think of the trouble that you will be faced with if you end up having a child with this guy and be strapped to him for the next 18 years or so! Whether he thinks he drinks from boredom or not he is having a problem with alcohol and if drinking causes problems then IT is a problem no matter what he says! In so many words it is called an addiction just like any other addiction. Alcoholism never gets better on its own it always gets worse. Alcoholics don’t have girlfriends, they don’t have wives, they don’t even have children, Alcoholics take hostages and have victims…they are too self-centered, and care more about their right to continue drinking than they do for their girlfriends, wives or children. Ask him to stop drinking and see if he does. That should tell you something. I have never seen an alcoholic stop drinking on their willpower alone…the addiction is too powerful.

Now let’s talk about your drinking…You yourself might want to go to some Alcoholics Anonymous meetings just to find out IF you are an alcoholic. It seems as though your drinking is but a symptom of a deeper rooted problem that you may have. As an example; why would you want to have a drunk for a boyfriend? Give it some thought…just go to one of their meetings to find out whether you are having a problem or not. It will be worth your time.

I hope that I haven’t hurt your feelings in my response to you…but the decision that you make about this guy may affect the rest of your life. Don’t let him take you on the road to disaster with him. Be your own advocate and decide what is best for you. If you decide to leave him, it may show him that he has lost another important thing in his life because of booze. Or on the other hand by next week he will say, “What was the name of that girl that I was seeing last week”? If you have any further questions about your drinking or about your hopefully ex-boyfriend please send a follow-up question. I Hope that I have helped you, sincerely Rebos