Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 12/17/2007

Question
QUESTION: My second marriage is ending.  I married my husband 3 years ago and his drinking as escalated to an arrest for OWI.  He is in law enforcement and has worked opposite shifts from me for over 2 years.  I have cared for his childrenn while he is at work.  He says he is not inlove with me and his drinking is because of me.  His court case has not been settled but he has moved out of the house.  I feel so lost without him and his children.  However, his drinking has caused most of our marriage issues.  I am getting all of the blame and he only agreed to three marriage counseling sessions.  In those session just as recently as 3 weeks ago he said our marriage was an 8-10.  He did not want a divorce but now has filed for divorce.  With everyweek of treatment he has gotten more distant and against our marriage.  Could it be he hates himself so much he can not love me?  What could he be thinking?

ANSWER: Greetings to you, JoMarie.

You have written:

>> He says he is not in love with me ...
>> He says ... his drinking is because of me.
>> ... he has moved out of the house.

In Scripture, husbands are commanded to love their wives, and a husband's not feeling "in love" would not change that.  Sadly, we live in an "all about me" world.

No matter what he might say, you are *not* the cause of his drinking!  He might be drinking to avoid or escape a reality he cannot bear, and you might be part of that reality.  However, his inability to deal with reality is the problem, and that is why he has since run away.

>> I feel so lost without him and his children.

Yes, and those kinds of instincts are to your credit.  As painful as all of this is at the moment, look for another outlet.  Maybe there is a shelter for the homeless or of some other type nearby where you can help brighten the lives of others.

>> However, his drinking has caused most of our marriage issues.

If you look just behind the drinking, you will see the selfishness and self-centeredness that are the real causes of your marriage issues.  And of course, even that is likely not the entire story.  Before a man can be a good husband, he must at least know what it takes to be one.

>> I am getting all of the blame and he only agreed to three marriage counseling sessions.

He believes, or he at least wants to believe there is nothing wrong with him, a matter of ego ... or maybe he already at least suspects otherwise and does not want to face any disturbing truth about himself, a matter of fear ... or maybe he paralyzed by pride or is simply stumbling along in some overall ignorance.

>> In those session just as recently as 3 weeks ago he said our marriage was an 8-10.  He did not want a divorce but now has filed for divorce.

During my own drinking many years ago, I went begging my first wife for another chance on the evening before I married my second wife.  Alcohol exacerbates the struggles within the already-confused mind of an emotional cripple.

>> With every week of treatment he has gotten more distant and against our marriage.

He is probably dealing with shame and remorse related to both his past and present failures as a husband and father while at the same time regretting having brought about yet another fine mess ... or something like that.  Hence, any hope he gets along the line of doing better in days ahead first gets directed or considered toward making past things right.

>> Could it be he hates himself so much he cannot love me?  What could he be thinking?

Actually, it is "love of nobody but oneself" that robs others of the love they desire and need, but the psycho-babblers do not embrace that truth.  Nevertheless, yes, it is at least possible he believes himself quite unworthy of you.

Please know I will gladly help you continue this sorting process ...

Joe
leejosepho@hotmail.com


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Joe,
 I want so badly for him to change his mind.  However, I know that if he blames me for his drinking then perhaps he never loved me and masked it by drinking more. My mother has taken very ill during this time which he is fully aware and he has not even asked about her.  What can he be thinking.  Why would he do this right before Christmas to me and his kids? Why wouldn't he stay and work on our marriage when his court case has not been set.  Plus, we had a spring vacation with purchased tickets to take his /our kids to Florida.  He said he filed and then admitted he has only spoken to his lawyer.  Now my lawyer wants me to file just to get this over.  Will that make him even more mad? Should I call him and tell him I am filing?  Why can't I change his mind about all of this, he is acting so unreasonable and hateful.

Answer
Greetings again, JoMarie.

You have written:

>> I want so badly for him to change his mind.  However, I know that if he blames me for his drinking then perhaps he never loved me and masked it by drinking more.

First, and stemming from common, inherent and yet-to-be-transformed human nature, he does not know how to actually love anybody other than himself.  He might occasionally display acts of kindness when he believes others have them coming and/or when he believes doing so will ultimately benefit him, but he has so far only ever self-servingly taken/married “hostages” while believing his doing so will make his own life better ... but my main thought here is to let you know your personal value as a woman is *not* determined by how he treats you.  Rather, you happen to have a husband who presently fails to see your worth.

>> My mother has taken very ill during this time which he is fully aware and he has not even asked about her.  What can he be thinking.

About himself.

>> Why would he do this right before Christmas to me and his [children]?

For whatever reason or reasons, he either no longer views Christmas as significant or able to bring blessing to anyone, especially himself.

>> Why wouldn't he stay and work on our marriage when his court case has not been set.

I cannot read his mind, but it could be he cannot see or imagine what life will be like after court anyway.

>> He said he filed and then admitted he has only spoken to his lawyer.

He is very unsure of himself and trying to pick up cues or clues wherever they might appear.

>> Now my lawyer wants me to file just to get this over.

No, definitely do *not* do that unless you actually *want* an actual divorce ... and even then would I still suggest you not pursue one.  Filing for divorce to “get this [emotional stuff] over” is not a true solution to any real problem.

>> Will [my filing for divorce] make him even more mad?

He might yell, laugh, cry or whatever, but I would suggest you do nothing along that line.

>> Should I call him and tell him I am filing?

If you do decide to file, let your attorney handle *all* related communication.

>> Why can't I change his mind about all of this, he is acting so unreasonable and hateful.

The transformation or “change of mind” he needs can only come from above.

Have you ever done any reading in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book?  It can be found in just about any library or is available online if you do not already have a copy:
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm.  Chapter Eight is written "To Wives".

Ever trying to be helpful,

Joe