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Addiction to Alcohol/alcoholic husband
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Question
I feel like my kids and my life is complete madness. My husband is a functional alcoholic. He has snapped a 3 times and left me and the kids usually before holidays. This time he told me he wanted a divorce but now he is in the process of dismissing the divorce through the court. His family sticks their heads in the sand and won't even acknowledge that I exist anymore. I thought he had hit rock bottom last time when he threw a shoe through a tv at his apartment and asked for information about AA but it took him less than a week to drink again (without even going to a meeting). I have been going to alanon meetings every once in a while. I still love him when he is sober. Should I hang in there and pray or should I just divorce him? My kids and I are at our wits end.
Greetings to you, L.
I believe there is no greater “madness”, as you have called it, than that of alcoholism and its effect upon others. From “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book:
“An illness of this sort - and we have come to believe it an illness - involves those about us in a way no other human sickness can. If a person has cancer all are sorry for him and no one is angry or hurt. But no so with the alcoholic illness, for with it there goes annihilation of all the things worth while in life. It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer's. It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents - anyone can increase the list.
“We hope this volume will inform and comfort those who are, or who may be affected. There are many.”
For the sake of so many people in situations such as yours, and especially for the sake of your children, I often wish I knew of a safe haven where peaceful rest and security would abound.
You have asked, “Should I hang in there and pray or should I just divorce him?”
Praying all the way through, only you can actually decide that ... yet I would suggest you do not hesitate to do whatever you truly believe is best for your children. If your husband is ever physically or even verbally threatening or dangerous anywhere near either your children or yourself, dial 911 immediately – take your children and run to a neighbor’s house to use a phone if necessary – and be prepared to follow through with your “domestic disturbance” complaint, and completely. From your report of what followed your husband’s incident with the shoe and the television, I would suspect he might ultimately benefit from an unavoidable and unforgettable “reminder” of something he already knows: that he really needs some real help. Without nagging or preaching at him, quietly try to let him know you mean to be the best wife and mother you can be and that you want your children to enjoy and love their father ... then do what you believe you must, and please know you are welcomed to write as often and as much as you like.
Praying for you, your children and your husband,
Joseph Lee
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com
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Answers by Expert:
Joseph Lee O.
Expertise
Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.
Experience
The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken.
Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along.
At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ...
... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.
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