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Addiction to Alcohol/What to do about alcoholic loved one

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Expert: - 7/22/2005


Question
First I'd like to thank you for your help in advance.

My Girlfriend/Fiance, whatever she is, I don't know anymore...  When I met her she drank a lot, and just recently she went to a rehab center.  After getting out, for 30 days she didn't drink anything.

Last night, I'm almost positive she drank.  I could tell by the slur in her voice and her attitude.  She was driving as well.  Drinking and driving.  She wouldn't confess to me that she had been drinking...

Today I talked to her on the phone briefly and I believe I heard the same slur and slowness in her thinking.  Once again, she's driving.

Today I was going to ask her to only drink in good company, such as myself or her family.  And limit it to 2 beers at a time.  I guess my question is, can this work for an alcoholic?  If someone HAS to drink, like an alcoholic has to, is it possible for them to limit it to only certain times, so long as they know they'll get it? I'm tired of worrying about her and what she is doing.

Can asking this be a good thing, or does she have to stop completely?

Sincerely,
Lee

Answer
Hi Lee,

Thanks for the question - it lets me know you want to be proactive.

If your sweetie has been to treatment I will assume she is alcoholic--drinking after a person completes treatment is not a good sign. For watever the reason consumption of alcoholic beverages after treatment is simply a relapse. Trying to portion the alcoholic's intake of booze won't help as the truly alcoholic person will soon engage in the same behavior that happened as a result of their drinking.

Now, if you meter her intake and she is able to tolerate or manage that then perhaps she wasn't alcoholic to begin with. You can limit the intake but after some time if the person is indeed alcoholic they'll pick up from where they left off.

I hear your frustration and want to invite you to attend some al-anon meetings. The meetings are invaulable and will help you to build better boundaries and develop solutions. Al-anon is a great support group.

I wish I could offer more help, but something tells me that you are right on with your intuition of her return to drinking.  

You are welcome to let me know how it works out..

Todd

Addiction to Alcohol

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Todd

Expertise

I sense it's important to let you know (upfront) that I don't have a 12-step orientation. I also want to let you know that this system won't allow us to make paragraphs, so I am using ** to separate my thoughts into paragraphs I can answer questions related to getting/staying sober, queries related to support for loved ones, questions on support groups, relapse prevention, communication skills, alcohol and drug pharmacology, spirituality, and finding ways to increase joy within sobriety. I see sobriety as a skill, understand that recovery looks different for everybody, and encourage people to find a sobriety mentor. **It has been my experience that in 12-step groups many people are seen to fail under the guise of a lack of willingness. When I used to attend meetings I'd see many people who were shamed and bullied over various medications they needed to take...telling people they can't take various medications is akin to playing God. I have yet to understand how taking MH meds is any different than taking any other medication which you need to thrive and support your health. **As there is so much shame, stigma, myths, and misinformation in this culture around CD (many of my clients will tell you that it is easier to be mentally ill than it is to have any sort of chemical dependency issue - in some way people are seen to be able to control their alcohol/drug using behaviors..not so with mental illness) folks first need to come to a place where they move beyond the stigma they internalize. **There is a term in social psychology called 'introjection'.....that is, when this culture views something in a certain way, we take on the facets of that stereotype...think about CD or folks who are gay/lesbian...this culture views these things in a negative way...we internalize this and feel poorly as a result.....as a mentor said, our culture fails gravely at being humane

Experience

I've been working in the field of addictions for nearly 27 years, within the inpatient and outpatient setting, as well as working in the Department of Corrections, the Director of Counseling for a large chemical dependency hospital, to where I'm currently employed doing in-home mental health and chemical dependency engagement with (mostly) seniors. I also have a contract gig running the entire CD program for a long-term transitional program to support people to overcome homelessness. As I've been doing this work for many years I am currently teaching a college class: intro to chemical dependency. It's been neat to see my students 'get it' and understand that they can have a huge impact on people and how they navigate their recovery. I've been sober for over 29 years and have a sense of what is required to maintain long-term sobriety and abstinence, and engage lasting change. **I am a huge fan of various anti-craving medications. In some recovery circles this is taboo, however, it's been my experience that there is no reward for suffering. **I also understand that as recovery looks different for everybody, perhaps someone's program could be riding a bike, spending time with family, doing yoga, swimming, writing in a journal, spending time with friends, therapy, playing with a pet, reading spiritual literature, etc....it seems to me that many paths have merit.

Organizations
National/state organizations relative to chemical dependency and addictive disorders.

Publications
http://www.askanaddictioncounselor.com

Education/Credentials
Degree/certification as a chemical dependency counselor, and state certification as an addiction professional.I'm working towards further graduate studies in clinical psychopharmacology.

Awards and Honors
Last year I was invited to do a five-hour presentation on various facets of addictive disorders as a very large behavioral health hospital. I was somewhat resistant as I was a bit nervous to speak in front of 2000 people. I had no idea my approach would be so welcome. I sense that it's hard to remember how much we know.

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