Expert: Rebos - 8/6/2007

Question
hello, i am almost 20, my mother has been an alcoholic since i was 5. she is a full-blown, non-functioning alcoholic. she is only 44, but looks much older than that. she has been in rehab several times throughout my life, nothing worked. she is a chain smoker as well. I only see her about once a year, she lives on the other side of the country. she is here now though for her once a year visit, and she couldn't even manage to stay sober at my older brothers farewell dinner. (he is studying abroad in china for a year)
she became so intoxicated that she was falling over drunk.
she tried to take out the canoe, and fell into the water. i found her sitting in the water, with all her clothes on, talking to herself. My grandfather is flying her back early. My grandparents support her, and he said he is cutting her off and disowning her. I tried to talk to her once she had sobered up, and told her how much we love her, and her actions hurt us. It was very redundant, because this has been happening my entire life almost. It frightens me, because I cant even picture her alive in 10 years. I guess my question is, is there any hope for a severe, long term alcoholic?

Answer
Good morning Rose and thank you for your question.

Yes, there is hope for a severe long term alcoholic, BUT SHE has to want to stop for her self by getting help for her drinking problem! As you already know if she doesn’t decide because she wants to stop drinking, there is little that anyone can do to make her stop… at least for the long haul. It has to be done just “one day at a time”. Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet! Until she “admits and accepts” that alcohol is causing her problems there is little that you can do for her. No one can scare an alcoholic into stopping drinking. Threatening, begging and even putting her away against her wishes will not get her to stop doing what she has not made up her own mind to do. Don’t think that she does not want to stop… she can’t stop when left to her own devices. Her track record has proven that. Also, don’t be lulled into thinking that she will stop drinking just because she says that she will. It’s not that she will purposely lie to you… but she will lie to herself because down deep she is afraid to stop. Alcoholism is powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious.

I strongly suggest that you and your grandparents start to attend Alanon meetings in the respective locales where you live. You may not be able to do anything about your mother’s (and their daughter’s) drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in YOUR lives by having an alcoholic in it. At Alanon you will find out what you can do to help her by first learning to help yourself. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). Al-Anon is where YOU will get better. What you all need to do is listen to others who are or have been in your similar situation and have found an answer to their problem. I guarantee that if you (and they) attend Al-Anon regularly, and work on yourselves…you will get better. That’s not to say that your mother will get better because you go to Al-Anon, but you will learn how to detach from her illness with love and learn to hate the disease and not its victim. You have to give Al-Anon a chance to work for you…there are no quick fixes to your problem!

It’s unfortunate that your grandparents have been “enablers” by supporting her for all these years. They probably didn’t know that they were doing more harm than good by not holding her responsible for her irresponsible actions. Please tell your grandparents (and yourself) to never make any threats to your mother that they are not 100% willing to follow through with.

If I can help you any further please let me know. Thank you Rebos