Expert: Rebos - 5/5/2007

Question
QUESTION: I have been living with someone since Oct.  She wuold have a beer a couple times a week asking if it was ok.  She knew that I did not like drinkers.  In Feb she was passed out after almost a bottle of whiskey.  Took her to AA -- now little over 60 days sober -- and told me how she was drinking every day b4 I met her and for the past 20 years on heavy weekends... now is all into *AA* ... and used to be very passive and now is changing... doesn't know if wants to live where I do - is going back home to see dtr gradutate next week - I am not going as I would have no al-anon support and they live in DeNial.... where is the person I met -- I am about ready to say have a beer; however, been in Al-Anon long enough to know others feel that way too... she said she told me something sunday and I swear she did not * heard from others that they have had this happen too... tried to tell her that * sighs * does it get better?
ANSWER: Good morning Diva:

Thank you for your question.

Yes, your partner will get better! Things may not get better, (because that’s the way life is) but SHE WILL get better, and so will your realtionship with her get better. What I’m trying to convey is that… “Bad things do happen to good people” but your partner, hopefully, will learn how to not drink over them.

You may be expecting your partner to get well too soon. Twenty years of drinking takes its toll on an alcoholic. And believe me when I write that she has a lot of changing to do before she returns to a normal way of life. It is very common for you to develop resentments once she started getting sober. It may be due to a control issue (which I hope it isn’t) or that her meetings, her program and her sobriety have to come first before anything else. Don’t expect miracles after only 60 days of her being dry. Her sobriety will be a “life long effort”. Her alcoholism will never be cured. She has a lot to learn about herself, and so do you at Al-Anon. She will always be an alcoholic,(and you the partner of an alcoholic) and if she is smart she will never stop going to meetings! “Once you take a cucumber and make it into a pickle… you can never turn it back to a cucumber again”.

I don’t know if you were pulling my leg when you wrote that she is going back to DeNial for her daughter’s graduation… but there are Al-Anon meetings all over the USA and other countries. You may have to drive a bit to get to it, but check with your local Al-Anon Central Service Group before you give up on going with her. Whether you should actually go with her or not is a different question for her to discuss with her AA Sponsor and you your Al-Anon Sponsor.

I hope that I have helped you with my answer. If you have any further questions please let me know in a follow-up question. Just remember that dirty four-letter word… TIME. Thank you, Rebos.



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: thank you for your response.  When I said DeNial I was speaking of her family.  I made my own decision not to go back and my sponsor agreed -- I din't need to be in any chaos that might be caused by her grown children.  No one in her family wants to go to Al-Anon.  Her mother would ask me what Al-Anon was and when I sent her a packet on it - she never asked me another question or mentioned Al-Anon or AA.  I need to be near my support system right now.  Even being an Al-Anoner, it was hard for me to go home after a few years in the program so I know it is going to be a rough road for her.  The nearest Al-Anon meeting out there is about 30-45 min away; here I will travel to any meeting but in another state and away from my support would just be too hard for me.  Basically, her whole family even though her son would call her an alcoholic when she was trying not to drink in front of me which I found uot 6 mo later is still in Denial about his mother.  Thanks again... Her sponsor thinks she is ok to go home so we will just have to wait and see.  Her ups and downs are very hard to deal with though.  Thanks Diva

Answer
Good morning Diva:

Thank you for your follow-up to my answer.

It seems as though you have developed a good positive Al-Anon attitude, and that you have “your recovery” headed in the right direction. By your partner not coming to live with you may be a good thing until she is sober in “her program” for at least one year. Her emotional stability may not be able to handle two major problems. In fact if you really care for her you should discourage her coming to live with you of which I am sure your Al-Anon sponsor would agree.

If I can be of any further service to you at any time in the future, don’t hesitate to contact me again. Just keep going to your Al-Anon meetings and you will get better. Thank you, Rebos