Expert: Rebos - 6/22/2007

Question
Just discovered this site and read through one of your answers. You said:

To be a male alcoholic is bad enough, but to be a female alcoholic brings with it "special problems".
http://en.allexperts.com/q/Addiction-Alcohol-2053/m-sick-dealing-alcoholic.htm

Any insite you can give me on your meaning would be appreciated.

I have my own insites...

My wife and I have been married for almost 20 years. When we met, I we both liked to drink and smoke pot. We had a lot of fun. I knew nothing about addiction.

She became addicted to prescription medication after few years (after an accident) . She went through rehab and was able to kick that habit. We continued to drink and smoke.

About 5 years later, the alcohol started showing up as an addiction in her. The problem kept getting worse. She would be aggressive and angry. I did not know what to do.
I stopped drinking and smoking and started al-anon.

After at least 7 attempts at detox/rehab,  3 dui's, domestic violance charges and more insanity then I want remember, I filed a divorce and a restraining order. She checked into a 75 day rehab. I could see she was serious about quitting.  A week before the divorce was final I called it off. I continued to go to al-anon and take her to AA meetigs. I think I had about 4 years in al-anon and she had 3 in AA. She stopped going to AA, and I stopped Al-anon.

2 years later, after she had about 5 years sobriety, I found she had started drinking. I would not have known it if I had not found the empty bottles. I didn't say anything for a few months. I had a career change planned and an out of state move. Starting my own business, finding a new home, moving. There is no good time for alcoholic behavior but this was not good.

We got settled into the new home, the drinking got steadily worse. I started al-anon again. Convinced her to go to a few AA meetings. Some of the AA members convinced her to go to detox. We have no insurance and my income is hit and miss right now, but that is another story.

She got out of detox and still continued to drink for a couple of weeks. I refuse to have anything to do with her if I know she is drinking. It may be I will have to leave her. I don't want to. I love her, but I cannot take that alcololic behavior any longer. I feel like I have a big mental bruise inside.

As of now, she has quit drinking for about 2 weeks I think.

If she does drink, she hides it very well. It sneaks up on me and all the sudden I realize the conversation I am having is not making since.  At that point I leave her alone as politely as I can. Sometimes it is not easy to do without hard feelings.

Last night, I don't think she was drinking,  she got angry at me for doing something that I had told her I was going to do. I explaned that I had told her what I had done and thought she was ok with it. She continued to be angry and I lost my temper. I  told her "You've been a drunk for too long".  That hurt her feelings. I am not good at appologies or tact.  I said I am sorry.  I can do better, but I lost my temper. I told her I felt hurt too.  

She asked how she had hurt me?       I am at a loss for words...    I have let a lot resentments go.  I think I have done a good job of that.  I think my tolerance for this kind of behavior is running out.

Al-anon has done me a lot of good, but I don't know any men in my situation. Life after the drinkings stops is difficult. Things happened or were said that I thought she knew. Maybe she missed it. Maybe its me. I have been crazy about all this too. I am trying to build back trust. Trying to find things to do together. Afraid to go places where there might be drinking. Not sure if I should invite friends over. I try to tackle one problem at a a time. It weighs heavy on my mind sometimes.

She is a great person when she is sober. I really think we can get through all this. Again.

Answer


Good afternoon Jay and thank you for your question.

What I was referring to when I wrote that women alcoholics have a “special problem” is that women have a much higher rate of being raped, becoming pregnant, more promiscuous (than when sober) and possibly contracting sexually transmitted diseases (HIV and AIDS) from unprotected sex. You may say that, “so can a man have the same thing happen to them”. Women who drink get drunk quicker than men, even taking into account the difference in body weight, and if you will admit that most men will take advantage of a woman stranger when being “picked up” at a bar. There is also evidence that women become addicted faster than men and suffer the consequences of abuse-related illnesses sooner than their male counterparts. Some of these are;

Compared with men, women develop alcohol-induced liver disease over a shorter period of time and after consuming less alcohol. Women are also more likely than men to develop alcoholic hepatitis and to die from cirrhosis

Women may be more vulnerable than men to alcohol-induced brain damage. Using MRI, researchers found that a brain region involved in coordinating multiple brain functions was significantly smaller among alcoholic women compared with both nonalcoholic women and alcoholic men.

Among heavier drinkers, research shows similar rates of alcohol-associated heart muscle disease (cardiomyopathy) for both men and women, despite women's 60 percent lower lifetime alcohol use.

Many studies report that moderate to heavy alcohol consumption increases the risk for breast cancer.
Although women are less likely than men to drive after drinking and to be involved in fatal alcohol-related crashes, women have a higher relative risk of driver fatality than men at similar blood alcohol concentrations.

As a member of Alanon you must know that you are completely powerless over your wife’s drinking. That when she is “sick and tired of being sick and tired” then and only then will she stop drinking. She may be one of those poor unfortunates that do not have the capacity of being honest about there situation, and her bottom may be as low as one can go… plus six feet. Not everyone sobers up and live happily ever after. For sure most alcoholics are great people when they are sober, but put a drink in them and they get trapped into the Doctor Jeckel and Mr. Hyde Syndrome (good vs. evil). Yes, your wife will try to shift the blame for her actions onto you, and in a way she is protecting her right to continue drinking. She will have you going to the psychiatrist before long. Don’t be so hard on yourself for being human and letting off some steam. Remember being human doesn’t mean that when you get cut that you are not going to bleed. You apologized and if she doesn’t like the words you used to do so… then it becomes her problem and not yours.

If you intend to stay married to this woman it is important for you to stop enabling her irresponsible actions. I assume that you have a sponsor, belong to an Alanon group (and are active in it), are working on the 12 steps of recovery like (have taken a 4th and 5th step), asking your Higher Power to remove you character defects and shortcomings, are making amends to those you have harmed, and continually taking your personal inventory. If you aren’t doing what you have to do about YOUR recovery then you won’t stand a chance to remain sane.

My answer did get somewhat longer than I thought it would but I think that I owed your more that just telling you my insight of women alcoholics having “special problems” If I can help you further do not hesitate to contact me again. Thank you Rebos.