Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 5/18/2007

Question
QUESTION: my husband is an alcoholic.  He has been in outpatient rehab.
He drinks sometimes now but does seem to keep it under control.  Occasionally he does over indulged but does not binge.  Is this possible?  My dad was also a alcoholic and it was "all or nothing" for him.
thank you

ANSWER: Greetings to you, Karon.

I certainly have no idea whether this truly fits your husband’s case, but yes, it is at least possible he is not a real alcoholic and that he actually can control his drinking.  From “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, here is an excerpt you might find insightful:

“How many times people have said to us: ‘I can take it or leave it alone.  Why can't he?’  ‘Why don't you drink like a gentleman or quit?’  ‘That fellow can't handle his liquor.’  ‘Why don't you try beer and wine?’  ‘Lay off the hard stuff.’  ‘His will power must be weak.’  ‘He could stop if he wanted to.’  ‘She's such a sweet girl, I should think he'd stop for her sake.’  ‘The doctor told him that if he ever drank again it would kill him, but there he is all lit up again.’
“Now these are commonplace observations on drinkers which we hear all the time.  Back of them is a world of ignorance and misunderstanding.  We see that these expressions refer to people whose reactions are very different from ours.
“Moderate drinkers have little trouble in giving up liquor entirely if they have good reason for it.  They can take it or leave it alone.
“Then we have a certain type of hard drinker.  He may have the habit badly enough to gradually impair him physically and mentally.   It may cause him to die a few years before his time.  [But if] a sufficiently strong reason - ill health, falling in love, change of environment, or the warning of a doctor - becomes operative, this man can also stop or moderate, although he may find it difficult and troublesome and may even need medical attention.
“But what about the real alcoholic?  He may start off as a moderate drinker; he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at some stage of his drinking career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink.
“Here is the fellow who has been puzzling you ...”

You have written:

>> Occasionally he does over indulge ...  My dad was also an alcoholic and it was "all or nothing" for him.

Your husband might very well be on his own way toward that same “all or nothing” spot, and if so, you might have some very troubled years ahead.

It would be helpful for you to read “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, including its chapter “To Wives” where you might get some ideas about how to quietly talk with your husband about your concerns about his drinking.

Please write again, if you like,

Joseph Lee O.
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com
Forum: http://www.aimoo.com/forum/freeboard.cfm?id=721484


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I know my husband is a true alcoholic.  He cannot leave vodka alone, he lies to me and has thrown away alot of our money.
But he is very different from my dad. I am handicapped and it is hard for me to go a ala-non meeting.  How should I talk to him or get through to him before it does get out of hand.  He used to got to AA meetings and sometimes would go when he was drinking.  He has 2 DUI but got out of the 1st one.  

Answer
Greetings again, Karon.

You have asked, “How should I talk to [my husband] or get through to him before [his drinking] does get out of hand.”

Again, I believe it could be helpful for you to read “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, especially its chapter “To Wives”, where you can get some ideas about how you might be able to talk with your husband about your personal concerns.  Or if you like, you are welcomed to give me a call at some time when we can talk for a bit so I can learn a little about how the two of you interact before making any specific suggestions of my own.  If that interests you, please let me know via e-mail.

Joseph Lee O.
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com