Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 8/4/2007

Question
My boyfriend is an alcoholic and has blackouts.  We are beginning councelling today.  During his episodes he gets verbally abusive.  I have always been able to accept that it is the alcohol talking and that it is not a personal attack on me.  I have always been willing to continue the relationship and help him work through his problems because aside from the alcohol I always felt that he is totally in love and dedicated to me and nothing that has happened during his episodes have made me think otherwise.  Our love and the solidity of our relationship has always given me the strength to continue.  UNTIL NOW. I recently heard that while extremely drunk at a friends house, he expressed that he was 'so confused' because he wants to have his EX-girlfriends babies and is in love with someone else.  Then he begged his friends to call this other girl at 4am and have her come over so he could see her.  Of course they didn't and nothing happened but I'm devestated to hear this.  I have never had any reason to believe he had feelings for other people and this friends who witnessed this don't understand either.  He's always been very dedicated to me.  I don't know if I can get over the fact that these words were said.  I feel betrayed, hurt, humiliated and confused.  Is it possible that it was just the alcohol talking (we'd had a fight that night and he was upset about that too) or do I have to believe that those thoughts were somewhere in his head for him to have said them.  He doesn't remember saying that and he denies having feelings for his ex or this other girl.  I want to believe him.  I don't know that I could ever get over this.

Answer
Greetings to you, Jacqueline.

You have written:

>> My boyfriend ...

Some people become upset on my observation that so many women today are still playing with boys, but my point is not to be critical of anyone.  Rather, I only mean to draw attention to the fact that so many men today are causing so much harm to so many women and children because they have never even heard what it really takes, or how to become true men.

>> We are beginning counseling today.

In your own best interest, accept the counsel of establishing and maintaining a very safe distance until you are able to observe a considerable period of right action.

>> During his episodes he gets verbally abusive.  I have always been able to accept that it is the alcohol talking and that it is not a personal attack on me.

Alcohol does not “speak”.  Rather, it disables the inhibitions that can otherwise subdue certain thoughts, feelings and/or actions.

>> I have always been willing to continue the relationship and help him work through his problems ...

You commitment is commendable, and I do not discourage it.

>> ... aside from the alcohol I always felt that he is totally in love and dedicated to me ...

That is possibly true in an emotional sense, yet there is certainly a conflict to be identified somewhere whenever any of his actions interfere with that.

>> ... and nothing that has happened during his episodes have made me think otherwise.

Keep in mind that alcohol might be *a* problem in this man’s life, but it is not *the* problem ... and to prove that, the alcohol only needs to be removed for a while so the true problem can become undeniable.

>> Our love and the solidity of our relationship has always given me the strength to continue.  UNTIL NOW.

To keep things in perspective, consider that the potential for something good together might still be there.

>> I recently heard that while extremely drunk at a friends house, he expressed that he was 'so confused' ...

The issue there is simply that throughout his life so far, he has been doing things he has believed would/could/might bring happiness and fulfillment for himself and others ... and now while trying to escape the pain of what has happened so far and an ever-growing sense of still more trouble ahead, he is feeling his inability to sort things out effectively and to determine a new course of action that might eventually bring success.

>> I have never had any reason to believe he had feelings for other people ...

I would doubt there are any real “feelings” there is the sense you are talking about.  Rather, I believe you are dealing with a drowning man grasping at wilted straws.

>> I don't know if I can get over the fact that these words were said.

My wife once could have said the same kind of thing in relation to some of my own actions, but today she knows she is married to a since-transformed man.

>> I feel betrayed, hurt, humiliated and confused.

The seeming betrayal stemmed from desperation rather than from conscious intent, your pain is very real and understandable, the humiliation you feel is related to some concern about how other people see you, and I have hope that at least some of your confusion might now be going away.

>> Is it possible that it was just the alcohol talking ... or do I have to believe that those thoughts were somewhere in his head ...

Again, probably most of that came from a confused and desperate man staggering around both in his mind and emotions during a soon-to-happen-again earthquake.

>> ... he denies having feelings for his ex or this other girl.

That is believable, yet one must nevertheless ask just why or how the things said and done still took place anyway.

>> I want to believe him.

That would probably be safe, yet his internal troubles are still there and you cannot caress them away.

>> I don't know that I could ever get over this.

Be grateful you can still feel that way where so many others have grown numb, and be assured that the best years are still ahead for people walking a path that truly goes somewhere.

Please know you are welcomed to write as often and as much as you like,

Joseph Lee O.