Expert: Clyde - 8/4/2007

Question
My boyfriend is an alcoholic and has blackouts.  We are beginning councelling today.  During his episodes he gets verbally abusive.  I have always been able to accept that it is the alcohol talking and that it is not a personal attack on me.  I have always been willing to continue the relationship and help him work through his problems because aside from the alcohol I always felt that he is totally in love and dedicated to me and nothing that has happened during his episodes have made me think otherwise.  Our love and the solidity of our relationship has always given me the strength to continue.  UNTIL NOW. I recently heard that while extremely drunk at a friends house, he expressed that he was 'so confused' because he wants to have his EX-girlfriends babies and is in love with someone else.  Then he begged his friends to call this other girl at 4am and have her come over so he could see her.  Of course they didn't and nothing happened but I'm devestated to hear this.  I have never had any reason to believe he had feelings for other people and this friends who witnessed this don't understand either.  He's always been very dedicated to me.  I don't know if I can get over the fact that these words were said.  I feel betrayed, hurt, humiliated and confused.  Is it possible that it was just the alcohol talking (we'd had a fight that night and he was upset about that too) or do I have to believe that those thoughts were somewhere in his head for him to have said them.  He doesn't remember saying that and he denies having feelings for his ex or this other girl.  I want to believe him.  I don't know that I could ever get over this.

Answer
Jacqueline,
   Thank you for your questions and sharing your personal story with me.  
   First of all, congratulations on the counseling!!! That is super. Everyone in the world today could use the benefits of good counseling.  I hope you will find your counselor a good one.  If you suspect that they will not be good for you and your boyfriend, by all means, secure some others until you find someone you believe is really good.  Use your instincts in assessing the skills of the person.  I would even suggest you find someone who has experience working in the field of addictions and particularly alcoholism.  Good luck with this.
   You particular question is regarding the things an alcoholic may say and do under the influence.  Well, a blackout is just that - we are not aware of anything that transpired during that period of time.  It is lost time to us and for the most part will never be recovered as a memory other than what others have told us.  I have some personal periods of my life which match this phenomena.
   That being said, your boyfriend may well indeed not know he talked of the ex-girlfriend and that he mentioned getting back together with her.  I do not doubt that it happened because hopefully the friends you mentioned are credible witnesses.  In all honesty we must screen out bad information so be careful in accepting the account.
   If your boyfriend would find himself at a point of giving up the drink and seek help from Alcoholics Anonymous he would embark on a journey he would not be able to believe.  In that life-long process, done one day at a time, he would discover hidden psychological bases for his even bringing up her name in his drunkenness.  I am going to suggest that since he did, there is something there that he has deep within his subconscious. It is largely unknown to him in his consciousness.  It is one of those things we can call "Freudian." He may be hiding it even in consciousness and not telling you.  Only he knows.
   The verbal abuse is not acceptable drunk or sober and indicates some underlying issues with him.  As he works with you and the therapist and if he will be honest, he can uncover this and change his behavior.  But it will take time and effort and lots of gut-level honesty of which practicing alcoholics have very little.
   I hope this helps and keep me posted if you will on the successes you find from here on out.
Grace and Peace,
Clyde