Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 7/5/2007

Question
Hi,
A few days ago I got out of work at 3 and met up with friends for happy hour. I had 3-4 drinks and was already feeling them when I went to meet up with my boyfriend and all of his co-workers at a bar. At some point I got angry with my bf and we started fighting, in front of the bar in everyone's view. I said mean things about him, his family, most of which I don't remember. We've both done this before (he doesn't touch upon my family though,) and he stopped drinking to excess a few months ago as a result.  I did not. I said extremely mean things, even suggesting we break up and calling the relationship a waste of time, when on a daily basis I love him. This almost led to a break up, the next morning he said he needs to think about this. At which point I sobered up and said I'm sorry and promised it'll never happen again. He seemed ok, we spent the whole day together but I feel horrible for attacking him and his family (they're very different from mine,) and embarrassed about his coworkers seeing this. I imagine that will always be in the back of his mind. We've been together for a year and a half, in our mid-twenties, and I would like to settle down soon. What can I do or say to take it back?

Answer
Greetings to you, Claudia.

First, I do not know any way to “take back” something already done or said.  Water that flows under the bridge cannot be brought back to the other side.  So then, the challenge here is to discover the source of the problem and to make corrections necessary for avoiding future harm.

You have written:

>> A few days ago ... I had 3-4 drinks and was already feeling them when I went to meet up ... at a bar.  At some point I got angry ... started fighting ...
>> I said mean things ... most of which I don't remember.

Are you familiar with the term “blackout”?  It is essentially “alcohol-induced amnesia”, it is a common symptom of heavy drinking and it is at least one clear indication of possible alcoholism.  The mind, even though intoxicated, still functions, but the brain’s “record button” has been disabled.  You have not asked about that kind of thing, yet I mention it because I assume you would want to know.

Now speaking more to your specific question:

>> I said mean things ...
>> We've both done this before ...
>> I said extremely mean things, even suggesting we break up ...
>> ... the next morning he said he needs to think about this.
>> I sobered up and ... promised it'll never happen again.

Oh, but it quite likely will unless or until you deal with your internal issues.

Going back to your drinking episode:

>> I had 3-4 drinks and was ... feeling them ...

Was that feeling a calming effect or an invigorating one?  Either way, alcohol can disconnect personal restraint or inhibition ... then certain things we would otherwise hold back can easily come out:

>> At some point I got angry ...
>> I said mean things ...

There is where I believe you need to do some work.  In a sane and sober way, you need to take a look at why you are bothered by certain situations, the actions of others and so on, and you need to be shown what to do about the anger, fear, frustration, disappointment and whatever else is laying deep inside you.  Those kinds of issues might not yet be the direct cause of your heavy drinking, but the heaviness of your drinking will continue to increase until their volume is met ... and along the way, even your internal issues will grow and continue to manifest behaviour beyond your control.

>> We've been together for a year and a half, in our mid-twenties, and I would like to settle down soon.

With a serious commitment and an honest effort to become the kind of person who does not have to drink to feel okay inside, you might be able to come to that point in another year or so.  And of course, I gladly offer my own experience along that line.

Peace to you ...

Joe
leejosepho@hotmail.com