Expert: Rebos - 7/31/2007

Question
i really need help its not me it my husband i have been with him 11 years he is 31 I'm 26 he been a heavy beer drinker i want to know is he addicted he has at least 3-5 beer a day 12oz and always arguing with me i fee have if he drink just to tolerate being in the house with me and the our 2 kid 7 and 2 he is the worlds greatest dad but this habit is putting our marriage to the test he is become were i can say any thing about the beer and all i can do is support it because i don want to but the strain on the marriage is this an addiction

Answer
Good morning Courtney and thank you for your question.

First; if your husband drinks a lot of beer then he drinks a lot of alcohol. For every 12 ounce can of beer that your husband drinks it is the same as him drinking 1-1/4 ounces of hard 80- proof whiskey! So if your husband drinks 5- twelve ounce cans of beer then he might as well have drunk 6-1/4 ounces of 80- proof Whiskey. Almost a 1/2 pint every day! Of course that doesn’t even figure in what he drinks that you don’t know about!

Second; it really doesn’t make any difference as to how much he drinks, who he drinks it with or where he drinks it. The important thing is, what does it do to him when he drinks it? I can’t say if your husband is an alcoholic or not, but if his drinking is causing problems at home or in your marriage… then it is a problem!

I would recommend that you start to attend Al-Anon meetings. You have to learn and believe that, if your husband is an alcoholic, you are totally powerless over his drinking, That being said… if you intend to stay married to your husband (which I assume that you do) for your well being I would recommend that you go to Alanon. You may not be able to do anything about your husband’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic in it. At Alanon you will find out what you can do to help him by first learning to help yourself. Until you are armed with knowledge of the disease and its implications, your efforts to help him will be for nothing. Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. Your husband should never be rewarded for his irresponsible actions. He must be held responsible and accountable for them. Something must be done to stop his spiral downward. It is very common for an alcoholic to lie about their drinking. They will lie at the drop of a hat to protect their right to drink. That is what alcoholics do! Social drinkers don’t have to lie about their drinking, or find excuses to continue drinking. For some insane reason your husband believes that he will get a free ride from you because you have become an “enabler” by accepting his unacceptable behavior! Your motto must be "Peace at any Price”! SO HE REALLY HAS NOTHING TO LOSE BY CONTINUING TO DRINK! You can be sure that if he does nothing about his drinking that your life will get worse as time goes by. You wrote like you are at your wits end, which is what I call anger…as an example; anger disguises itself in many different ways (either that you can’t face up to your anger in general, or you don’t want to look at your situation as it really is). Some of the ways that anger disguises itself are…intolerance, contempt, envy, hatred, snobbishness, rigidity, cynicism, discontent, tension, sarcasm, self-pity, malice, distrust, anxiety, suspicion, jealousy and the grand-daddy of them all…FEAR. So, you can see that you may have a lot of work to do on yourself! Fortunately in Al-Anon (which I hope that you go to) you have to do it just “one day at a time”. Families of alcoholics often have special emotional, social and financial problems. Tense emotional situations often make people say things that they don’t mean. If you can, concentrate on your own behavior, and become aware of your own emotional and mental attitude you will gain an advantage over your husband’s need to drink. Everyone who lives with an alcoholic is bound to be affected. Your thinking may become distorted and confused, and you may resent your husband and the conditions that his drinking creates. Alcoholism, in its own way is contagious. Its not that everyone in the family will go out and get drunk, but it has a negative effect on your children, you and your relationship with your husband   

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for an alcoholic to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as “white knuckle sobriety”. It isn’t very long before the alcoholic has to drink again. FOR AN ALCOHOLIC THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS CUTTING DOWN, trying to control drinking, drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink, or even switching to “near beer” with 0.05% alcohol. For the alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs).

Below you will find 12 questions that can be used to determine if your husband may be having a drinking problem. They must be answered truthfully in order for them to be meaningful. The questions are normally directed to the drinker, but if you think you know what your husband’s drinking pattern is you may find them interesting. But remember, your husband is the only one who can make the decision as to him being an alcoholic or not… enough to want to do anything about it!

1. Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?

2. Do you wish that people would mind their own business about your drinking and stop telling you what to do?

3. Have you ever switched from one drink to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting drunk?

4. Have you ever had an eye-opener upon wakening during the past year?

5. Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble?

6. Have you had any problems connected with drinking during the past year?

7. Has your drinking caused trouble at home?

8. Do you ever try to get extra drinks at a party because you do not get enough?

9. Do you tell yourself that you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to?

10. Have you missed days at work or school because of drinking?

11. Do you have "blackouts"? A blackout is when you have been drinking there are periods of time that you can't remember.

12. Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink?

IF YOUR HUSBAND WERE TO ANSWER YES TO 4 OR MORE QUESTIONS then he is probably in trouble with alcohol.

I hope that I have helped you with my answer. If I can be of further help feel free to provide me with more details in a follow-up question. Thank you rebos