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Addiction to Alcohol/bender
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QUESTION: My friend is a lesbian and her partner has gone off at the moment as she is on a bender. This time my friend thinks she will be able to say no to her when she wants to return. When she left she gave my friend all of her money 11,000 pounds but they had combined debts of about 8,000. My friend has paid them all up to date but she has no other money as her partner is the bread winner who was recently made redundant. Hence the large sum of money. However she is now contacting my friend asking her to put money into her bank account as she hasn't got any money. My friend has given her 200 pounds but refuses to give her anymore. Do you think the only solution now is not to have her back, the alcoholic partner is 34 and my friend 44, who is at her wits end. This is the third time she has left but always comes home eventually.
ANSWER: Greetings to you, Sue.
You have asked, "Do you think the only solution now is to not have her back ..."
Solution for what?
That might sound like a silly question, but what is it that your friend seeks?
Please feel welcomed to write again ...
Joseph Lee O.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Well i thought it might not have been explained very well. My friend always takes her partner back after she has been on a bender, because she says she 'loves' her so much. However she is now leaving saying she has fallen for someone else the someone works behind the bar in a local pub. So each time she is more hurt than the time before. She realises she can't stop her partner drinking that is up to her. What i meant is it the right thing to do say she wont have her back this time unless she has stopped drinking
Greetings again, Sue.
I might not be clearly understanding just who is doing what in this situation, but you have asked:
>> What i meant is it the right thing to do say she wont have her back this time unless she has stopped drinking?
"Right" in what sense? She might as well simply announce that her "love" is conditional, then see whether her own "condition" is accepted by the other. But overall, there is only more trouble ahead in that relationship until both individuals learn to live by spiritual principles.
Peace to you,
Joseph Lee O.
"Sane" might be a better word there,
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Answers by Expert:
Joseph Lee O.
Expertise
Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.
Experience
The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken.
Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along.
At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ...
... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.
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