Expert: Rebos - 5/30/2007

Question
Hi my friend is in a relationship, she is a lesbian and her partner is 34 and an alcoholic. In the last twelve months her partner has left 3 times to go on 'benders ' and each time it is because she says she has fallen in love with someone else. This time she is living in a pub and supposedly the other women works behind the bar. She has phoned my friend to say she is very happy and the relationship is working out. After awhile she always comes back, can you explain how this relates to the alcohol problem and how my friend should deal with it, as she is at her wits end. She doesn't think she can have her back this time. She also left her with all her money to pay of their debts and is now phoning saying can she put a little bit into her bank account.

Answer


Good morning Sue and thank you for your question. This character defect that your friend has with her girlfriend who is a drunk may or may not have anything to do with her girlfriend being an alcoholic. It has more to do with your friend, who I assume is not an alcoholic! Even in heterosexual relationships as long as one of the partners is so weak and that they have such low esteem of themselves that they continue to take the straying partner back again and again, it has more to do with that aspect of the relationship than the fact that one is a drunk! However… Your friend has become an “enabler”.

An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic's actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. The enabler may be meeting a need of their own rather that the need of the alcoholic. If an enabler has no special knowledge about alcoholism and they try to help, the alcoholic can sense the ineptness and weakness of the enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be forgiven and rescued again and again. In a backhanded way an enabler is giving the alcoholic “permission” to drink by their continued acceptance of the alcoholic’s unacceptable behavior. Making “excuses” for the alcoholic has to be stopped in order for the alcoholic to pay the price for drinking. Because alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own. Every time the enabler gets the alcoholic out of a jam, or in any way allows the person to get away with being irresponsible, they are really buying the alcoholic their next drink. Alcoholics are users! They are too self-centered to think about any thing other than their next drink. They don’t really have family, lovers, wives, husbands, children or friends they have victims and they will take hostages as long as they can get away with it. In the long run enabling will not only destroy the alcoholic, but also their family and friends.

Concerning the money that she left your friend to pay bills… Is your friend her “banker”??? Unless there is money that she left behind for mutually owed bills, I suggest that she sends back all of the money (less the amount that they owe together) and that she is no longer welcome “to come home” that all is forgiven, and start anew just like nothing happened. Plus she should in no uncertain terms tell her that it’s all over between them and to not contact her again. Your friend should screen her telephone calls using Caller ID. However if she (your friend) cannot bring herself to do the smart thing of breaking it off with her, then she should start attending Al-Anon meetings. For meeting locations, your friend can call her local Al-Anon chapter by checking your local phone book under "Alcoholism" or calling the following toll-free numbers: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

Your friend has to develop some backbone and stand up for herself. Her relationship with her girlfriend is so superficial that a blind person could see it for what it is. If I can help you any further please do not hesitate to contact me again. Thank you, Rebos