Expert: Clyde - 9/6/2007

Question
my boyfriend of four years recently started attending AA. He has 30 days,

which is great. However, the only other 'sober friend' he has is an ex-

girlfriend from a couple of years ago. He swears he has no feelings for her

and it is the same with her for him. But they go to meetings together at least

twice a week and sometimes out afterward. I am feeling uncomfortable with

this, especially since he doesnt share much about AA with me. I feel like it is

an intimate thing to be going through with another woman. What do you

think??? I have a lot of anxiety over this - please help!

Answer
Samantha,
  Thank you for your question and for sharing some of the details of this situation.  I can see how this would make your nervous and suspicious.
  From my experience and having seen many people come into the program, there are usually two responses by newcomers - 1.) extreme excitement and exhilaration, and 2.) skepticism and refusal to believe they may have a problem with alcohol.  Then, of course, there are all the flavors in-between.  These newcomers find people who think and feel like themselves and it truly becomes a group of people from which the newcomer draws much strength and understanding.
  This is a key concept - finding someone who understands how they think and feel.  If you are not an alcoholic then you may have a difficult time understanding this but it is critical that you try.
   Your boyfriend has found someone in his ex who evidently understands him (she must be an alcoholic).  And that is good for him.  It is a bond for each of them.  This does not mean you have anything to worry about.
   I think it is significant that you have a four year relationship with your boyfriend.  That is a long time.  Not knowing how you two get along in the trust category it is difficult to really know but if you have a strong relationship, then you may just be paranoid and a little jealous of his having found that AA has given him this new life.  And believe me, it is a new life.  This feeling you may have is not unusual, it is rather normal.  Most of the time there is no basis for your feeling this way but your feelings are real for you.  That is why it is important that you reached out to ask some questions and to share your anxiety.
  I have a few suggestions.  If your boyfriend is not sharing much about AA with you, he is simply following a tradition that says that the things said in "closed" meetings are to be held confidential.  Thus it is not ethical to share with you.  However, there are "open" meetings in which you would be welcomed.  You might discuss this with your boyfriend and suggest that you would be interested in attending these with him.  It will be a way for you to enter into his recovery process.  You will need to decide whether you really want to make a commitment to him and offer this support.  Most alcoholics would love to have their loved ones show some interest in this way, but a lot of loved ones don't have the stamina for this.  It becomes a boring proposition.  But even if you don't find it to be beneficial for yourself, you will have built a bridge between you and your boyfriend.
  Another suggestion is to ask him to allow you to read his copy of the "Big Book" or get one of your own.  This will show you are interested in learning more about alcoholism.  The two Chapters I suggest you read are "To Wives" and "The Family Afterwards."  These will give you much insight into the workings of alcoholism and how it affects the whole family.  Here also you will be showing him you want to be part of his support system as he recovers.
   Finally, I would suggest you consider attending Alanon, a support group for non-alcoholic friends and family of alcoholics.  In this group you will find your own support system of people who are dealing with your same situation.  You will find a forum for discussing your own fears as he grows in recovery and appears to be distancing himself from you.  You will find literature and information to answer your questions as they crop up.
   I hope this has helped.  Bottom line, if you can say you have a strong trusting relationship with your boyfriend, his recovery need not cause anxiety but instead can provide years of a renewed sense of togetherness for each of you.
   You are certainly welcome to continue to access this website and ask more questions of the "experts" ready to help.  
Grace and Peace,
Clyde