Expert: Rebos - 6/14/2007

Question
I met my boyfriend Butch on line 14 months ago. After a few months of dating we moved in together.  I knew he drank beer but had no idea that he drank as much as he did. It wasn't a problem in the beginning but as the months went by we began to fight over the smallest things. He accuses me of so many things I can't even list them.  He has been married 4 times and each time the woman has left him.  Once for another man and the other times because he says they had problems.  He tells me that my anger is why we fight.  I do get angry and lose my temper because he accuses me of alot of different thing including still being in love with my ex husband.  He hates when I am on the phone and doesn't want me to talk to my family.  He says I tell them everything. I have no one else here and my family all live 1300 miles away.  He accuses me of lying to him all the time and he says all woman do that.  He also told me that he would hurt me before I could hurt him and that no woman can be trusted. He says that all the woman in his life have betrayed  him.  I promised him that I would never hurt him but he doesn't beleive me. Now he has hurt me so many times with his accusations that I have started seeing a psycologist. He has made me beleive that this is all my fault.  He also suffers from depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which he got from being in Viet Nam. He lost his sister to cancer many years ago and has never gotten over it.  His best friends have told me that thats when he really started going down hill. His family has also told me that his drinking has caused alot of problems with his past relationships.Both of his parents were alcoholics also.  He refuses to go to a doctor and I had my doctor prescribe anti depressants for him just so he can function.  He refuses to go anywhere and spends 90 persent of his time in the house unless he has to go out to buy beer or cigarettes and he only does that when I refuse to do it for him.  He keeps saying that I have a problem because my family is constantly depending on me whenever a crisis arises. I have always been the one that evryone turns to when they have a problem.  He says thats what is distroying our relationship.  I love him more that I have ever loved anything in my life but he doesn't beleive me. He knows he has a drinking problem and he said if I can't handle it I sould leave him.  I am afraid to leave because of what I know he will do to himself.  How can I convince him he needs to get help not only for the drinking but for his depression.  He refuses to see anyone because he says he doesn't trust psychiatrists or any medical professional.  They are all wrong about his condition.  He has admitted to the post traumatic stress disorder and he also says he knows he drinks to much but he will never stop. What do you do for a man who you love and you see going down hill every day.  Do I leave him or stay and hope he will see that I really care about him.  We just signed a one year lease for this house and now I don't know what to do.  He says he will stay until the lease is up but then he is leaving me. How am I going to live with him here for another 10 months and not say anything. I have started taking medication myself because he has convinced me that this is my fault because he says I blab about our problems to everyone.  If I don't talk to someone I will go nuts. We cannot even have a civil conversation with out him blaming me for everything that goes on in this house.  Please help me I really love  this man and I know deep down inside he is a good loving person.  Do I leave him and hope he comes to his senses or do I stay and take the abuse. I hope you can help.  Camille

Answer
Good afternoon Camille and thank you for your question.

First off… I can’t tell you if you should leave this guy or not, that has to be your decision! However if you decide to stay with him you are heading down the road to living a miserable and sorrowful life, and if you have a child with this man his drinking will have a profound negative effect on the child. If you intend to waste your life on this guy… you should be going to Al-Anon. I will assume that you know what Al-Anon is. Alcoholism is a disease that the significant other of an alcoholic (which you are) also suffers from the effects of his drinking. You haven’t seen anything yet, but for sure (I guarantee) that your life will be more and more miserable as time goes by. Al-Anon can be reached by calling 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to not go to Al-Anon the least that you can do is to stop trying to control something that you can’t control. How can you love someone (as much as you say that you do) who can’t love you? If given a choice between you and his drinking I would bet that he would chose drinking. Alcoholics don’t have wives, lovers or even children. Alcoholics have “victims” and they take “hostages” but can never really love another human being. Addicts are not capable of loving anything but their drug of choice, which is alcohol in your boyfriend’s life. He may "say" that you are the problem, but why are you writing that he has “convinced you” that you are the problem. That’s like the patients running the institution!

You have to understand that you are totally powerless over your boyfriend’s drinking, and until he is sick and tired of being sick and tired …then he may do something about his drinking problem. I say may do something about his drinking problem, because he may be one of those poor souls who does not have the capacity of being honest about their situation and how sick he really is. All alcoholics use excuses to protect their right to continue drinking. In your boyfriend’s case it’s the death of his sister. If it wasn’t his sister he would think of someone else to blame. In fact you say that he blames you for his problems. All alcoholics have to (in their own minds) justify their drinking and blame their bad luck on the one who they know is so weak that he can do anything he wants to. If your boyfriend is a disabled veteran he can get help at the VA for his PTSS, especially so if it is service connected and getting a disabled veteran’s check each month. He seems to have you right where he wants you. He’s even got you believing that you are the sick one

You say that he says that he will never stop drinking… you can be sure that he will eventually stop because most alcoholics end up in an early grave, get involved with the law and jailed, or get confined to a mental institution. Yes, he will eventually stop drinking but not on his terms. He’s got you believing that he is stressed out, depressed, etc. He is depressed because he drinks a depressant liquid called alcohol. Yes, he may be depressed …we all have bad days… but however much he is depressed it is being compounded by drinking a depressant.

Don’t let the fact that you signed a lease stop you from leaving him (if that’s what you want to do). The money that you may lose by leaving is a small price to pay for the experience of living with a drunk. You must have a very low self-esteem to put yourself through what you are headed for!

I wish you the very best, however if your boyfriend does nothing about his drinking your future looks bleak to say the least. If you decide to stay never, (I repeat) never make any threat to him that you are not willing to follow through on. I hope that I have not offended you by my response to your question, but it is the truth and if you can’t stand the truth then you are a lot worse off that I think you are. Good luck, Rebos