Expert: Rebos - 12/11/2006

Question
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months and love him dearly, but hate his drinking. I have never been a big drinker  so i am not used to the frequency of my boyfriends drinking. He has a couple of glasses of wine with dinner, which most of the time don't bother me, but when he goes out he drinks a fair bit and gets quite drunk. He does not act abusive, but slurs his words and cannot walk straight.  He has wet the bed a couple of times and uses the excuse that he was sleep walking.  His behavior embarrasses me and each time he comes home drunk i can't sleep because i am angry and also worried he'll wet the bed again. I have tried talking to him but he feels it isn't a problem and thinks i am nagging him. I am at my wits end and don't know what to do. Can you offer a way to get him to admit there is a problem, and what we can do about it?

Answer
Good morning Lili, and thank you for your question.

Although you may love your boyfriend dearly (after only four months), you really don’t even know him! First let me say; that your boyfriend has a serious drinking problem no matter how much he is denying that he has one. He wets the bed not because, as he says, that he is sleepwalking…he wets the bed that because he is so drunk that he passes out rather than “normal” sleeping. You and he may think that he is sleeping, but in fact he is so drunk that he passes out and has no control over his feeling or senses. Second, you haven’t seen or experienced the worst part of having a boyfriend who is a drunk. I expect that he may start verbally abusing you, and then graduate to physical abuse. Plus if he is having blackouts (alcoholic amnesia) then there is no guarantee that he couldn’t seriously hurt you and not remember doing it. The prisons are full of people (85%) who committed their crimes in a blackout and don’t remember doing the crime. If your boyfriend thinks that he doesn’t have a problem, what kind of catastrophe is he waiting for? He is acting like a classic alcoholic…denial and when I get that bad I will do something about my drinking. I could and will later on in this message present you with twelve questions that (in general) will tell if your boyfriend is having a problem with alcohol. The only problem that one has when they answer is that they don’t usually answer the questions truthfully.

The real test however is…for you to find out what he loves more alcohol or you. Tell him that if he does not go to Alcoholics Anonymous and stay sober for at least one year. That you are breaking up with him and do not want to hear from him until he gets help. If I were a betting man I would give you odds that he will choose his booze before you!

If for some insane reason that you can’t break up with him I strongly suggest that you go to Al-Anon

The questions are normally directed to the drinker, but if you think you know what your boyfriend’s drinking pattern is, you may find them interesting. But remember, your boyfriend is the only one who can make the decision as to him being an alcoholic or not… enough to want to do anything about it.

1. Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?

2. Do you wish that people would mind their own business about your drinking and stop telling you what to do?

3. Have you ever switched from one drink to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting drunk?

4. Have you ever had an eye-opener upon wakening during the past year?

5. Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble?

6. Have you had any problems connected with drinking during the past year?

7. Has your drinking caused trouble at home?

8. Do you ever try to get extra drinks at a party because you do not get enough?

9. Do you tell yourself that you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to?

10. Have you missed days at work or school because of drinking?

11. Do you have "blackouts"? A blackout is when you have been drinking there are periods of time that you can't remember.

12. Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink?

IF YOUR BOYFRIEND WERE TO ANSWER YES TO 4 OR MORE QUESTIONS then he is probably in trouble with alcohol.

I would be pleased to answer any follow up questions that you may have resulting from my answer to you. Thank you Rebos