Expert: Rebos - 3/30/2007

Question
My boyfriend who wants to be called my husband (ok w.me)had an intervention a yr ago but it did not work. He has tried hard at times to control it but there are times that it is soooo bad. He almost lost his job last week and did lose respect from his boss over it. No matter what I say to him, he just doesn't get it. Why? I want to spend the rest of my life with him but am scared daily of what the future holds. He promises me that all will be okay but that means nothing to me anymore. How do you talk to and when to a person like this? I know it is stress, depression etc. If he doesn't make enough money he drinks. If he makes alot of money he drinks. We have no back up for security or the future. He spends lavishly when he makes the money. Bills do get paid but no savings. I can't get him to do it. He acts like a jerk to others and mean to me when he has drank alot. I get real embarressed in public places sometimes. I don't know what all I am asking here. I just need someone to help me in handleing this. I have seen others live with it and manage but I don't know how they have and don't want to ask the hush hush ? Can AA help me? My counslor wants me to leave him and won't even talk about how to handle it just leave. I don't want to not yet anyway.  

Answer
Good afternoon Darcie:

Thank you for your question, and since you asked me I’m going to tell you the truth about what your future life is going to be like (it won’t be pretty but it will be the truth) although I fear the you are not ready or too fearful to take any action until it’s too late!

First off; if you intend to take the risk of wasting your life on this guy… You should be going to Al-Anon. I will assume that you know what Al-Anon is. Alcoholism is a “family” disease and the significant other of the alcoholic (which you are) also suffers from the effects of drinking. You can either start YOUR recovery process – or keep the illness going. Your best defense against the emotional impact of your boyfriend’s drinking is to gain knowledge and the emotional maturity to put that knowledge into effect. Al-Anon can be reached by calling 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to not go to Al-Anon the least that you can do is to stop trying to control something that you can’t control.

You have to understand that you are totally powerless over your boyfriend’s drinking, and until he is sick and tired of being sick and tired …then he may do something about his drinking problem. I say may do something about his drinking problem, because he may be one of those poor souls that do not have the capacity of being honest about their situation. You say that he has tried to control his drinking… when a person has to be thinking about controlling their drinking they have already lost control.
Social drinkers don't have to think about controlling their drinking.

AA cannot help you with having a problem drinker in your life, but it certainly could help HIM if he wants help. He has to be honest about his drinking and what effect it is having on his relationship with you, open minded enough to listen and learn, plus the willingness to want to change his life from being a drunk to all the fears that we all face being sober. He must be a fearful man that he has to drink away his fears. As long as you keep doing what ever it is that keeps you in the relationship he has no reason to stop drinking. He has got you believing that he is stressed out, depressed, etc. He is depressed because he drinks a depressant liquid called alcohol. Yes, he may be depressed …we all have bad days… but however much he is depressed he is compounding his depression when he drinks alcohol.

There is no question in my mind that he will soon lose his job and become unemployable. When that happens who is going to buy his alcohol for him? You have been enough of an “enabler” as it is, but when he starts stealing money from your pocketbook and you face up to him he will probably become violent with you. Never make any threat to him that you are not 100% willing to follow through with. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic's actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. The enabler may be meeting a need of their own rather that the need of the alcoholic. If an enabler has no special knowledge about alcoholism and they try to help, the alcoholic can sense the weakness of the enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be forgiven and rescued again and again. In a backhanded way an enabler is giving the alcoholic “permission” to drink by their continued acceptance of the alcoholic’s unacceptable behavior. Making “excuses” for your boyfriend has to be stopped in order for him to pay the price for drinking. Because alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own. Every time you get your boyfriend out of a jam, or in any way allow him to get away with being irresponsible, you are really buying him his next drink. Alcoholics are users! They are too self-centered to think about any thing other than their next drink. They don’t really have family, lovers, wives, husbands, children or friends they have “victims” and they take “hostages” as long as they can get away with it. In the long run enabling your boyfriend will not only destroy him, but also take you with him.

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is but “a symptom of a deeper underlying problem” that must be faced up to by the alcoholic in order for an alcoholic to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before the alcoholic has to drink again. There is an old saying; “that once you turn a cucumber into a pickle you can never change it back to a cucumber again”. For the alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down… drinking only on weekends… changing what they drink… or even switching to “near beer” made with 0.05% alcohol. For the alcoholic nothing will work that is short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor fully "understands" that he or she is dealing with an addicted person.

Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping drinking. A bottom can be likened to going down on an elevator. The alcoholic can get of at any floor they want to. There is no need for him to go all the way to the bottom floor. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet! Even when a person is in a recovery program and has stayed sober for an extremely long period of time there is little guarantee that they can stay sober unless they remain vigilant and continue with their recovery on a one day at a time basis. There can be no let up, not even for a moment!

Until your boyfriend “admits and accepts” that alcohol is causing him problems there is little you can do for him. Even those poor unfortunates that are in shelters “admit” that they are having a problem with drinking, (and may even admit that they are alcoholics) but it is their “acceptance” to the point of doing something positive about it, is what counts. No one can scare an alcoholic into stopping drinking. Even putting him away against his will, will not get him to stop doing what he has not made up his own mind to do. Don't think that he does not want to stop drinking… he can't stop when left to his own devices. Also, don't be lulled into thinking that he will stop drinking just because he says that he will. It's not that he purposely lie to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he is afraid to stop. Alcoholism is powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious. An alcoholic’s choices become limited to: attending a recovery program like AA, or entering an in-patient detoxification clinic that has an after care outpatient program. I have never seen an alcoholic stop drinking on their willpower alone. The disease is too powerful. However, it is sometimes dangerous for an alcoholic to stop drinking on their own without proper medical supervision. Withdrawal from alcohol can be very difficult and sometimes physically dangerous. If your boyfriend agrees to go to a counselor, but not AA or a detox clinic…he is just conning you! He is looking for an easier softer way instead of being serious about getting sober for the long haul. Most counselors will tell their alcoholic clients that they should, in conjunction with their therapy, to also go to AA. Unfortunately the counselor cannot force him to go… just like you don’t listen to your counselor. Stop allowing him to run the show! He’s “gottawanna” stop drinking in order for anything to work! Unfortunately recovery programs and sobriety like AA is not for people who need it, but for people who want it.

Emotions being what they are will tend to cloud your ability to think rationally, and cause you to see your situation in a distorted way. The level of your emotional pain is directly related to your need to run the show and control the situation. The more you try to control a situation the deeper your pain will be. It cannot be done alone when your emotions are in charge. It is natural for you to want to retreat into yourself ...so to speak. You must allow those who have the answers for you (Al-Anon) to help you through it. When we allow others to help it is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of your strength. There is no reason for you to feel that you have failed at something you have no control over.

I hope that I have helped you with my answer. I wish you the very best and hope that you resolve your present situation. Unfortunately there is no good fairy that will tap your boyfriend on the shoulder and make him “all better”. It will take a lot of hard work. Until he gets tired of being sick and tired there is not too much you can do except to learn all that you can by going to Al-Anon and seriously consider what I have stated above. Hate the disease not the patient. But don’t be afraid to hurt his feelings by letting him know the TRUTH as to how you feel about his drinking. When you do talk to him “say what you mean…mean what you say…but don’t be mean when you say it”, but please remember don’t ever make any threats to him that you are not willing to carry through with.

If there is anything further that I can do for you please do not hesitate to contact me again through Allexperts. Thank you, Rebos.