Expert: Clyde - 6/23/2007

Question
My boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic and has not had a drink in only one year (which i am very proud of him for) We have only been together for 9 months. I love him with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but recently he won't talk to me and tells me he wants to drink (and take drugs - he is a cocaine addict too) more than he wants to live, but he can't drink because he knows that if he does he will not stop and he will die! I have never known anyone like this before and when he is quiet with me i assume he is either cheating or he doesn't love me anymore. Sometimes (especially at the weekend) he won't say a word to me unless i ask a question and even then it will be a one word answer. He seems to be the life and sole of the party when others are around but acts like he doesn't even want me around. I don't know what to do. I seem to cry everyday as i think he doesn't love me or want help from me. What can I do to help him? I am really hurting here and feel like i am being useless. I am going out of my mind. Please please help.

Answer
Laura,
  Thank you for your question and your story.  It is a confusing thing to deal with an alcoholic who is still wanting to drug and drink.  He is young in sobriety with a year of time.  You don't mention it but I am in hopes he is a part of Alcoholics Anonymous or at least knows something of the program.
  I can applaud his honesty with you about wanting to drug and drink more than living.  That is a common feeling among alcoholics who have not taken the steps to make their new way of life (without drugs or alcohol) a permanent way of living.  It really signifies that he is not ready to quit - in other words, he has not "hit his bottom."  He is not hurting desperately enough to want a sober life.
  To answer your question about what you can do for him - well, sadly, and you will not like hearing this, but you can do nothing for him.  He will need to find it within himself to get healthy.  You can support him and you can love him but don't expect to have anything change until he changes.
  I suggest that, if you have not already checked into it, call Alanon. You can find their number in the yellow pages or a hospital could give it to you.  This support group will be for YOUR sanity and for YOUR support.  Being in an alcoholic relationship makes everyone sick with this disease we call alcoholism.  You will be able to find people who will support you in changes you need to be making and they will share their experience, strength and hope with you regarding their own stories of living with an alcoholic.
  You also mention the closed mouth he tends to have.   There are so many possibilities as to why he acts this way.  Your insisting that he talk with you will not be helpful until he turns around this active alcoholism.  And even then, time will be required for any real improvement.
  We say that alcoholics have to lose everything they find dear before they hit that sufficient bottom.  Perhaps for your sanity and your life he may need to lose you.  It is something for you to pray to God for direction - what to do, when to do it?  Then follow your instincts.
  You have done nothing wrong.  You have done well by standing beside him.  He is fortunate.  Alanon will show you that alcoholism is something you didn't cause, you can't cure, and you can't control.  It is time to consider what is good for Laura.
  I hope this helps ease some of your frustration.
  I'll hold both you and your boyfriend in my prayers.
Grace and Peace,