Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 4/24/2007

Question
so, yesterday we went to the park to fly kites ... my boyfriend, myself, his son and my two kids. as we first got there a group of other kids ran up started to grab everything we had brought and i asked them what they were doing and asked them to go back to the party that they were there with. they left, then came back shortly after. i again told them to go and my boyfriend freaked out and told me to 'calm the f down ....' now, i didnt want five more kids on top of the three we had there. we went to spend time together and not to baby-sit other kids whose parents were at the party. me, having a minor temper said that i was going to walk away from the situation to avoid conflict because i noticed that he hadnt been drinking. i walk about 20 yards from them just on the other side of a group of trees to sit by the water. i walk back over about 30 minutes after AND HE HAD TAKEN MY KIDS AND LEFT ME THERE!!! with no cell phone NOTHING!!! i sat there from 12:30 until 4:30 by myself in the south florida heat, all of my things were in the car. i thankfully saw my friend there randomly and she let me call my boyfriend. he acted like it was all my fault because i took a walk. he came and got me. we drove back to his house i got my car asking him why he was acting like he was and he told me that he wasnt going to deal with my sh*t, my additude. i left it at that and drove away not hearing from him for the past two days now.

now, hes an alcoholic and had recently quit for about a week and a half but quickly went back to it. he got soooo sick when he quit but after the sickness lifted he felt great got a lot of things done, i was so happy for him!!! yesterday he was only drinking water and didnt have a drink the whole time we were there. my kids, son 11 and my daughter 5 informed me that he drank as soon as they got back to the house. normally hes the most loving, giving guy. i have NEVER seen this side of him. we have been dating for a year. so, is this a side i dont know of him or was it because he hadnt had a drink and started to feel like crap? my main question is, will alcohol do that to you? did he turn into this monster because he hadnt drank?? should i try to talk to him about it?

i do care about him a lot but im not sure what to think now!!! i havent even called, emailed or texted him because im reallllly angry that he did that to my kids. ? do i give him and the alcohol another chance? or yet, has he not called because hes realllly angry with me?

Answer
Greetings to you, mrembro.

I would first comment on some bits and pieces you have reported:

> ... walk away from the situation to avoid conflict because i noticed that he hadnt been drinking.

Taking some reasonable action to avoid an approaching conflict can be fine, but what you are discovering here is that this man is simply not at peace with himself, others and straight-up reality.  Hence:

> ... had recently quit for about a week and a half but quickly went back to it.

Alcohol and/or other mood- or mind-altering drugs are for people who cannot in their natural states handle reality.

> ... he got soooo sick when he quit but after the sickness lifted he felt great got a lot of things done ...

Here is a bit of common experience shared in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book:

“Now and then a serious drinker, being dry at the moment says, ‘I don't miss it at all.  Feel better.  Work better.  Having a better time.’  As ex-problem drinkers, we smile at such a sally [or ‘attack against’ his internal struggles].  We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits.  He fools himself.  Inwardly he would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them [by not ending up completely trashed once again].  He will presently try the old game again, for he isn't happy about his sobriety.  He cannot picture life without alcohol.  Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it.  Then he will know loneliness such as few do.  He will be at the jumping-off place.  He will wish for the end.”

In other words, yes, it can feel great to an alcoholic to be sober, but only for a little while if the true problem is not soon addressed.

> ... yesterday ... he drank as soon as they got back to the house.

It might be inaccurate to say he had intentionally picked a fight so he would later have an excuse for drinking, but you can be sure he at least later used that situation in his own mind to justify his drinking.

You have asked several questions:

> so, is this a side i dont know of him ...?

Here is another quotation from “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book:

“He is a real Dr. Jekyll and [everybody] Hyde.”

What you are observing is a very troubled man whose personal struggles are now being made worse by the fact that he can live neither with, nor without alcohol.

> was it because he hadnt had a drink and started to feel like crap?

Yes.  In his or her natural state, and especially while sober, the alcoholic “feels like crap”.

> will alcohol do that to you?

Part of what is going on here is that he is now discovering alcohol no longer “works” for him as well as it has in the past, and having therefore “lost faith” in it, he is now at times even angry at the very thing to which he yet turns for “southern comfort”.  So yes, “spirits” will do that to you.

> did he turn into this monster because he hadnt drank??

Not in a literal sense, as what you are seeing is simply what is actually inside him: anger, resentment, fear, shame, defiance, selfishness, self-centeredness and so on.

> should i try to talk to him about it?

No, not until a time might come when you fully understand and are able to offer him a solution.

> do i give him and the alcohol another chance?

Only if you need more of the same and even worse to be convinced he is a very sick man.

> has he not called because hes realllly angry with me?

Possibly so ... as in angry at and full of resentment both toward and about virtually everyone and everything, as well as possibly “holding out” in a manipulative way.  Or, maybe he is having any of several types of "self-pity parties".

Please know you are welcomed to write any time, if you like,

Joe