Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 8/13/2007

Question
My 50-year old brother, who I love deeply, is in the hospital for what was initially a gastrointestinal problem, and now we have discoverd that they are "detoxing him" for alcohol-related issues. He has a history of problem drinking, he was once jailed for drunk driving, but since then, he promised all of us that he wasn't drinking any more and going to AA. Even though we had suspicions to the contrary, none of us wanted to admit the truth.  Recently, however, we (my mother, father and I) discovered that he has indeed been drinking - constantly -for the last three years, ever since his wife and he divorced, and that he does not go to AA nor to any other type of therapy despite repeated pleading from us. He hasn't had a job in 3 years, he lives with a woman who also drinks (it's co-dependent heaven!) and his neighbors have told us that they "want nothing more to do with him" until he sobers up.

My brother is a good and sensitive person, well-educated, and intelligent. He has experienced a lot of pain in his life and has "given up".  He has lied and lied over his drinking, as most alcoholics will , and now his health is at risk. My parents are with him in the hospital now, and both they and the doctors are trying to persuade him to go to rehab, which I think he will, in fact, do.

My question is this: if he goes to rehab, comes out, and starts drinking again (this not unlikely, given his live-in girlfriend's problem and his own lack of self-discipline) what can we as a family do next? Must we just sit there and watch as he continues to ruin his life? He will lose his house, he will not get a job, and as his health is poor, he could die. I know that Al-Anon says we have no control, but must we just sit back and watch this train wreck? We love him too much to just sit there and watch helplessly. And if we do sit there and watch, won't he think we don't love him enough to step in and "save" him?

Any advice you can give would be appreciated. Thank you.

Answer
Greetings to you, Suzie.

Here is the so-called “bottom line” for any alcoholic:

---
“If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic.  If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, page 44)

“There is a solution.  Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation.  But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it.  When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet.  We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed. (page 25)

“Our stories disclose in a general way what *we* [not ‘it’] used to be like, what happened, and what *we* are like now.  If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it - then you are ready to take certain steps. (page 58, emphasis added)
---

First, your brother will have to actually *want* to stop drinking, and everyone, including him, will next have to understand that he absolutely cannot do so even if he *does* have that desire:

“Many of us felt that we had plenty of character.  There was a tremendous urge to cease forever.  Yet we found it impossible.  This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it - this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish.” (page 34)

When his rehab experience fails, and it will, try to share the above with him and let me know what he says.

Joseph Lee O.