Expert: Rebos - 9/20/2006

Question
my partner of 4 years drinks vodka, rum, bacardi etc every day. He mixes it in a pint glass of cola. He says he is not an alcoholic as 5 years ago he went away with the army for 4 months and had no alcohol for that time. He says he only drinks cos we argue and he is depressed. Is this classic signs of alcoholism or is he a casual drinker.

Answer
Good morning Jackie:

Thank you for your question. I hope that the information I am sending you answers your question.

Below you will find 12 questions that can be used to determine whether your partner is having a problem or not. They must be answered truthfully in order for them to be meaningful. The questions are normally directed to the drinker, but if you think you know what your partner’s drinking pattern is you may find them interesting. But remember, your partner is the only one who can make the decision as to him being an alcoholic or not, enough to want to do anything about it.

1. Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?

2. Do you wish that people would mind their own business about your drinking and stop telling you what to do?

3. Have you ever switched from one drink to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting drunk?

4. Have you ever had an eye-opener upon wakening during the past year?

5. Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble?

6. Have you had any problems connected with drinking during the past year?

7. Has your drinking caused trouble at home?

8. Do you ever try to get extra drinks at a party because you do not get enough?

9. Do you tell yourself that you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to?

10. Have you missed days at work or school because of drinking?

11. Do you have "blackouts"? A blackout is when you have been drinking there are periods of time that you can't remember.

12. Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink?

IF YOU ANSWER YES TO 4 OR MORE QUESTIONS then he is probably in trouble with alcohol.

In addition you wrote that your partner is argumentative and depressed you should take special note to question #2 above as being one of the answers to your inquiry, PLUS if you are not aware of it…alcohol is a depressant. If you take the chemical formula of alcohol and ether (the old anesthesia) you will find that the only difference between the two is that the alcohol has H2O in it (which as you know is water). So in a way your partner is depressing him self as though he was being anesthetized.

If drinking causes problems then it is a problem. If you are concerned enough that you had to ask me the question in the first place, then your concern alone is making your partner’s drinking a problem in your relationship. It should be apparent to your partner that most of your arguing with him is probably about his drinking, and if he had no problem, then he could either take it or leave it with no obsession to drink. However, if you are arguing a lot about other things maybe you need some couples counseling?

It is said that alcoholism is a disease of denial, and it is apparent that your partner is in denial about what it is doing to him and his relationship with you. Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, insidious and powerful. It has no cure…once an alcoholic always an alcoholic! So to speak…“once you make a cucumber into a pickle, you can never change it back to a cucumber”. The good news is that there is recovery from the disease and it is accomplished “just one day at a time.” I’m sure that you have heard that saying before. It has been my experience to have never seen an alcoholic recover on their own willpower for the long haul. No one can scare an alcoholic into stop drinking. All the threatening and begging in the world will not get them to stop doing what they cannot do on their own. Don't for one second think that your partner does not want to stop drinking… he can't stop when left to his own devices. Don't be fooled into thinking that he will stop drinking just because he says that he will. It's not that he will purposely lie to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he knows that he can’t stop. Your partner needs to get some distance between him and alcohol for a while, and I therefore recommend that he turns himself in to a Detox Clinic to get some space between him and his last drink. As you stated when he went to the army and he didn’t drink (so he says) for 4 months, however, that was 5 years ago and it may be a world of difference today. After his detoxification unless your partner seriously enters a program like AA (and strictly follows their suggestions) he is destined to die a drunk's death, get involved negatively with the law, or end up in a mental institution and destroy you in the process.


If you believe that he is an alcoholic and you are interested in finding out about the disease you may want to pay a visit to Al-Anon where the family and friends of alcoholics learn how to live with an alcoholic. If you do not have your local Alanon number call toll-free: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

I hope that I have helped you in some way. Feel free to contact me again if you have any other questions that might have developed from this answer. Thank you, Rebos