Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 6/21/2007

Question
Hello, I was dating an alcholic for 4 years. He finally got into recovery (not by his own choice). 2 weeks in to rehab he called me and broke up with me. He said that I was not a good girlfriend to him since I was the enabler and wanted to be friends. I have searched everywhere for answers but can't seem to find what I'm looking for. After his 28 days he called me and we've hung out a few times. Things are not the same. He dosen't let me go to his new place, we meet at a metro station, won't tell me where he works and is just shady. I cry each time we are done visiting eachother. During the week I call him and never picks up or bothers to call back. He dosen't understand that I can't be friends with him since I am still in love with him. THis is fresh for me, it's only been 2 months. My question to you is why does this man think that since he is almost 3 months sober can he break up with me, think we can be friends, and only talk to me when he wants. It's not fair. I did not know I was an enabler until he went to rehab. He claims now that I triggered a lot of his drinking and seems to reverse things on me and I feel like I am accepting these things since I do not and am not ready to "detach." I have tried al-anon, but do not like it and will not return. The man never worked in 4 years and in the last month has been able to hold a job and pay rent (things he never did with me) I love him and don't see a chance of us getting back together. Am I being unfair by wanting to be part of this man's life? Before he went to rehab we made so many plans for the future and he broke up with me 2 weeks into the program. He claims he will not drink again for a while and when he drinks again it will only be on special occasions. Then he tells me how boring his life is and how miserable he is since he is sober. Why do alcholics recovering hurt the people that love them? Please help me.
-Lost in a drunk love

Answer
Dear Lena

The saying is that if you sober up a horse thief you will have a sober horse thief. It sounds like this guy has a lot of issues that you are best to leave alone. Why do you want to have a relationship with a guy that has so many issues? I would drop him like a rock and go find someone that is stable. You don't need this anguish, which is what you will have for the rest of your life if you try to hack out a relationship with him.

Good luck.