Expert: Rebos - 9/29/2002

Question
Hi Rebos,

I have a good friend who is spending more and more time isolated and getting drunk.  I used to really love our phone conversations when he was traveling; he was smart and funny and nice to talk to.  But now he has taken to calling me when he is drunk and saying horrible things or leaving messages in which he really puts me down.  I'm at the point where I don't want to pick up the phone because I don't know whether I will be talking to my friend or some angry monster.  

My questions are:  Which is the truth?  Is alcohol really a truth serum?  Does he hide these ugly comments from me by day but when he drinks the truth comes out?  Or does alcohol twist it?
How can I help?    How should I handle it?

thanks for any help.


Rosmearie

Answer
Good afternoon Rosemarie:

Thank you for your question. I will try to give you an answer that may help you.

First off, your friend is showing one of the symptoms of being an alcoholic. Does that suprise you? Alcoholics usually get what they call “telephonitis” when they have had too much to drink, and I will bet you that if you ask him what he spoke of during your phonecon with him…that he would not remember the “details” of what the conversation was about. Yes, too much alcohol does cause a personality change. Those in the field of alcoholism call it a “Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde” change of the personality. It affects different people in varying ways: those who are happy go lucky may turn very sad and morose, and those who are normally quiet and on the sad side will become happy and the life of the party. It appears as though your friend falls into the nice guy category when he is sober, but turns nasty when he has one too many. His type, after a while, usually ends up being a woman batterer for the poor unfortunate women that he has intimate relationships with. He doesn't know it yet, but one is too many for him. His type usually ends up with no friends, no job, no wife etc.

I am sorry to be so blunt with you, but I have seen so many hundreds of cases that exhibited those few same characteristics and end up being full-blown alcoholics, and then its no holds barred. Just off hand I would say if your friend does not or cannot stop drinking… get out of his life permanently and tell him the reason why you are breaking it off with him. It just might help him by raising his “bottom”. Unless you have some emotional ties to him and want to give him a chance to straighten out his life before it spins out of control. Its never easy when dealing with an addiction. Lots of work involved...Many times heartaches...but its well worth it during recovery for all involved.

I would be happy to give you some guidelines and information that may help you to make a more informed decision as to what you wish to do about your relationship with him. Feel free to contact me again. Thank you Rebos.