Expert: Rebos - 1/3/2005

Question
Hi, my name is becky.  My husband and I were married only three months ago.  After we were married I moved out to where he was living which is the same town where his father is living.  My father-in-law is an alcoholic and has been for a long time.  It has never really affected my life other than watching how my father in law treats his son, my husband.  It always bothered me but there wasn't very much I could do about it, so I stayed quite.  I have tried to talk to my husband about the way his father treats him but he just shruggs it off.  I have never really understood their relationship.  I am starting to understand a little more that the hurtful things that my father-in -law does is due to the alcohol but that still doesn't make it o.k.  I feel very cornered.  I feel that nobody in the family really realizes the magnitude of my father-in-laws desiease.  He has stolen from us, and whats almost worse are the countless lies that pour out of his mouth. I really can't take much more of this.  I can't keep swallowing these lies and give him another try.  My husband and I fight about this now and I wish I could look the other way but I have worked so hard to build myself up.  I feel like I deserve more respect than I am being shown from my father-in-law.  I am so frustrated and feel so cornered.  When my father-in-law calls, I don't answer the phone. I park my truck inside the garage and lock the doors in case he comes over.  But I shouldn't have to live this way.  We recently went to the city for christmas to visit family.  While we were gone my father-in-law came into our house and stole the bottle of rasberry vodka I had stored away.  We gave him a key to our house long ago because when we're gone he looks after our pets and our heating system but when we asked for the key back he said he didn't have it.  This is all before we left for Christmas break.  Apparently he still has a key. I am so sick of everything, I am so angry at the way we are being treated and at the way my husband lets his fatehr treat us and makes excuses up to save him.  I know I CANNOT live this way.  I have recently been researching a little on alcoholism and want to learn more about what it does to people and there loved ones.  I need to face this thing head on, though I am a little scared.  I have been thinking a lot and I am considering writting a letter to my father-in-law and telling him that I am angry with what he has done but that its all part of a larger picture and that is the alcoholism.  I want him to know that his sickness is affecting our lives and that if he is willing I want to find him some help.  I myself am not prepared to help him because I don't think I can handle it but I want to find him some help.  Durning this time I don't want to see him or hear from him.  And if he is not willing to get help then I don't want to have anything to do with him, but I don't know if my plan will work at all.  My husband is not supporting me on this and I don't feel that anybody else really understands what I am going through.  I feel very alone.  Do you think my plan is somthing I should attempt?  Can you help me at all?

Answer
Good afternoon Becky:

Thank you for your question. I will try to give you my thoughts concerning your father-in-law's drinking problem, and some specific actions that you can consider taking to help youself.

First off, I feel a need to tell you that your overall story sounds a lot like the tail wagging the dog. Your basic problem is not with your father-in-law and his drinking…your problem is more about your relationship with your husband, and what the future holds for your marriage.

It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become “enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic's actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. The enabler may be meeting a need of their own rather that the need of the alcoholic. If an enabler has no special knowledge or training in the field of alcoholism and they try to help, the alcoholic can sense the ineptness and weakness of the enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be forgiven and rescued again and again. In a backhanded way an enabler gives the alcoholic “permission” to  drink by their continued acceptance of the alcoholic's unacceptable behavior. Because alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own. Every time you or your husband overlooks his father's problem, gets him out of a jam, lends money, or in any way allows him to get away with being irresponsible, he is really buying his father his next drink. Alcoholics are users. They are too self-centered to think about any thing other than their next drink. They don't have family, lovers, wives, or friends they have victims and take hostages as long as they can get away with it. Your husband just can't comprehend the damage that he is causing his dad by not facing up to his father. In the long run it will not only destroy his father, but also your family and marriage.

The best advice that I can give you and your husband is to attend some Alanon meetings. Invite your husband to go with you and if he says no… you go any way. When you do go you will find that your problem is not quite as unique as you may think. At Alanon you will learn how to live or not live with having an alcoholic in your life, and about the disease of alcoholism. You will learn how to say what you mean, mean what you say and not be mean when you say it. You will learn how to be strong enough to resist the influence that your father-in-law has over you in your relationship with your husband. After all you seem to be old enough to know better and should be able to do and say anything you want to, but you too must be held responsible for your actions also. Alanon is intended to help you and your husband, and not the Alcoholic directly. However, in order for you and your husband to be able to help, you must first learn to help yourselves. At Alanon you will meet others who have an alcoholic in their lives, and that their lives had become unmanageable also. I hate to think of the end result of your marriage if you do not go to Alanon. Alcoholism is a disease that affects everyone who comes into contact with an alcoholic. Alcoholics are not bad people, they are sick people who need help, but they must be held responsible for their actions! You may not be able to do anything about your father-in-law's drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic in it. Until you are armed with the right kind of information, and understand the disease, your efforts to help will be for nothing. Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. For meeting locations, you can call your local Al-Anon chapter (check your local phone book under "Alcoholism") or call the following toll-free numbers: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

Even though you have been looking into the subject of alcoholism it may be worthwhile for me to pass on some information about the disease of alcoholism…It is generally believed, by many in the field of alcoholism, that it is a three-fold disease. Mental, Physical and Spiritual.

The “mental” part of the illness refers to the mental obsession to drink that precedes the first drink... a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that the alcoholic must drink. In so many words, thinking about the drink in between the drinks. The alcoholic never seems to worry about the drink in front of them, but they think of the next one. The “physical” aspect of the disease is, that once the first drink is downed a physical compulsion takes over in the form of a deep incessant craving that an alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside incident stops them or they pass out. The “spiritual” part of the illness (not spiritual in a religious way) is in the loss of an alcoholic's values, with a willingness to settle for less and less as their drinking continues. It becomes difficult for an alcoholic to determine the difference between right and wrong or good and bad. The alcoholic develops a change in priorities where drinking becomes more important than health, family, job and friends.

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for an alcoholic to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn't very long before your father-in-law will have to drink again no matter how many times he may promise to stop drinking. For the alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink, or even switching to “near beer” with 0.5% alcohol. For the alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor's prescription as long as the doctor understands that he or she is dealing with an addicted person. Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some many may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet!

Remember, you are being controlled by a very sick person, and unfortunately by an enabler, (your husband), who is also somewhat sick in his own way. I would not want my life to be run by a situation such as that. If you don't go to Alanon the least you can do is somehow consider to break off your relationship with your father-in-law completely, and simply tell those who try and drag you back into it that you want no part of it until your father-in-law does some thing positive about stopping drinking…like going to AA or some other support program. At present you are in a no win situation, so do what is best for you and your sanity. Just think about if you have a child...having a drunk around will be devastating to your child rearing responsibilities.

I do not reccommend that your write the letter to your father-in-law. It is not your responsibility, nor should it be, it is your husband's.

I hope that I have helped you with my answer and that I have not taken too many liberties with you by my somewhat personalized answer. You are dealing with a very serious problem and you should arm your self with a good understanding of the problem by learning from those who have already been where you are at now. If I can be of further help please feel free to contact me through Allexperts again. Thank you, Rebos.