Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 1/11/2006

Question
Hi.
Thank you for writing back so soon.
I apologize for being so defensive.
I am beginning to lose hope that my marriage
will ever be normal, that being possible by
my wife quitting her drinking.

What does my wife say when she drinks too much?
Well, here's a list, followed by my rebuttal:

"You are a pain in the ass"
(not true, I am very patient and kind, she says
this because I coax her to stop drinking)

"You are trying to control me"
(no dear, I am trying to help you)

"You don't care about me"
(yeah right, married for 12 years, never hit her
or cheated on her, come right home after work,
am I great father to our son, have shown great
patience with her long-term drinking problem)

"I am not doing anything wrong"
(gee, destroying our marriage isn't wrong then?!)

"You just have to accept me the way I am, everyone
has their problems"
(oh sure, just sit back while your drinking destroys
your health, and our marriage..?!  geez)

"I don't have a drinking problem, your complaining
makes it a problem"
(typical statement from an alcoholic)

"Why don't we get separated then, if you can't accept
my drinking.."
(oh, great idea honey, destroy our son's life, instead
of you getting help..!?)

I could go on and on, but you get the idea.

After a particularly bad rant, she often apologizes the next day.
But that means nothing to me anymore, because I know it is just
a matter of time before she does it again.





Followup To
Question -
Hello.
Thank you, but your advice is way off.
I am probably one of the best husbands out there.
I have helped her along and given advice and support
all along, as well as been very patient.
She drinks behind my back, then lies about it.
If she drinks too much, she says things to me that she
regrets greatly the next morning.
I can't believe you spun this issue and made it look like my fault

Followup To
Question -
Hi.
I could use some advice.
My wife uses alcohol as a "crutch".
She drinks whenever something makes her upset,
or nervous, or depressed.
How can I get her to stop?
Thanks,
~A

Answer -
Greetings to you, Arthur.

You have written ...

>> I could use some advice.
>> My wife uses alcohol as a "crutch".
>> She drinks whenever something makes her upset, or nervous, or depressed.
>> How can I get her to stop?

Ultimately, it is your responsibility as a husband to “provide for her” in ways that make it possible for her to not become “upset, or nervous, or depressed” in the first place.  At times those kinds of needs are spiritual, at times they are emotional and, of course, at times they are related to basic necessities.  Spiritually, emotionally and physically, every human being needs food, shelter and fellowship in order to live and be okay, and becoming “upset, or nervous, or depressed” is always related to the absence or frustration of one or more of those essentials in one area or another.

Many people, of course, either wittingly or unwittingly expect some kind of philosophy or moralistic “position” to make them invulnerable to the various difficulties we all face in life, but in the end there is nothing like a good bowl of soup or a nice cup of tea and a comfortable place to sit while sharing precious moments with others that makes the real difference.

Your wife's drinking is evidence of the frustration of inherent needs that must be met if she is to be okay and be able to function without it.  Many people today know little or even nothing about all of this, and my advice to you is to pursue being the husband your wife so desperately needs and was actually meant to have.

Blessings to you, and please write as often and as much as you might wish!

Joe

Answer -
Greetings once again, Arthur.

You have written ...

>> Thank you, but your advice is way off.

No, but maybe I could have worded it a little better.

To “make it possible for her to not become ‘upset, or nervous, or depressed' in the first place”, your wife has certain needs that must be met: sometimes spiritual, sometimes emotional and sometimes related to basic necessities ... and my only intent was to share with you that experience-gained knowledge (that is actually true about any human being).  And, those needs are/can only met through the actions of others.

>> I am probably one of the best husbands out there.

Again, it was not my intent to question you there.  However, I will admit that some of my overall thoughts related to another specific situation I am dealing with have obviously “spilled over” into here a bit.

>> I have helped her along and given advice and support all along, as well as been very patient.

Do you know the actual cause(s) of her disturbance(s)?  I am not challenging you here, just asking.  I am 55 and my own wife is near 50 ... and I wonder if any of your wife's difficulties might be related to years passing by without her feeling “significant” or “validated” ... or something like that.

>> She drinks behind my back, then lies about it.

That could be because of a sense of shame, or, that could be out of fear that someone might find out she is “weak” (and cannot “cope”) or that someone might try to “cut her off” from the only thing that seems to “work” (for escape) at the moment.  Personally, I nearly drank myself to death “in secret” (as best I could and even intentionally at times) for those and more kinds of reasons.

>> If she drinks too much, she says things to me that she regrets greatly the next morning.

Alcohol knocks out inhibition, and you might learn about some underlying issues by ignoring the ugliness of those outbursts and trying to "listen" for what is actually behind them ... and I am there talking about her "issues" and not her "defects".  If you are willing to do so, tell me a little about the kinds of things she says during those times.

>> I can't believe you spun this issue and made it look like my fault.

I did not actually do that, but please pardon me for not being more clear: If your wife is to find a solution -- you are the key to that, not the problem -- it will have to come through/from you ... and I will do everything I can to help make that possible.

Please write again ...

Joe


Answer
Greetings again, Arthur.

Thank you for your patience with me ... as I now have a far better “picture” of you, your wife and your situation than had first formed in my mind.

You say you are “beginning to lose hope” that your marriage will ever be normal, and yes, and with an intentional interjection here: “... that being possible by the removal of a rapacious and adulterous substance – alcohol – out of it by your wife quitting her drinking.”  In other words, and even though your wife is not presently doing anything to actually try to help, here let alcohol, and not your wife be “the enemy” (so to speak) ... and I am not assuming that you were already viewing her as such.

>> What does my wife say when she drinks too much?
>> Well, here's a list, followed by my rebuttal:

There is little to be gained at the moment by going into a detailed assessment of the specific things she says, but I will say that her wanting things on her own particular terms, however right or wrong or skewed they might be is going to be a difficult problem to overcome.

At least for my own sake in trying to be helpful here, please allow me to just look at your responses for a moment:

>> I am very patient and kind ...
>> I coax her to stop drinking ...
>> I am trying to help [her] ...
>> married for 12 years ...
>> never hit her or cheated on her ...
>> come right home after work ...
>> great father to our son ...

Question: Do you have any reason to believe your wife has any kind or level of *desire* to stop drinking?

If she does not, the absence of that element is going to be a significant factor (as to your “hope” for your marriage and/or any actual recovery for her) at least for now, and if she does have a desire to stop, the challenge here is to discern the best way to “play on it”, so to speak.

Are you at all familiar with “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book?

Blessings to you ...

Joe