Expert: Rebos - 9/10/2007

Question
My dad really does have a serious problem. He argues with us all the time. My mom will never leave him. He has cheated on her. Whenever he is drunk he argues and says what a mistake i was. today i came to the conclusion that he really does not care for me. He blames me for all the fights and arguements. I argue back with him because it hurts me to see him like this. i am only 17 years old ,but i cannot take my senior year of highschool like the past 7 years i remember. is there a way someone could force him to go to rehab. He is heart-problems; he recently had surgery on his knee; and taking his pain-meds while drinking is part of this too. I just cannot take one more year like this. do you have any advise for me?

Answer

Good morning Britt and thank you for your question.

As you are aware, alcoholism is as terminal a disease as is your father's heart problem or any other of the dreaded diseases that effects mankind. Unfortunately there is no cure for alcoholism, but it can be arrested “one day at a time”.  

If you really want to get involved in helping your father the best advice that I can give you is for you and your family to start attending Alanon and you attend Alateen meetings. If you don't already know, Alanon and Alateen are a world–wide “anonymous programs” attended by people who have an alcoholic in their lives, and don't know what to do about it. By attending Alanon or Alateen meetings you will find that your situation is not quite as unique as you may think. At Alanon or Alateen you will learn about the disease of alcoholism and how you can manage “your” life as a result of your father's alcoholism. You will quickly be relieved to know that there is hope for you, as others have who you will meet there. There is no cost to attend, and meetings usually last about an hour. As a fringe benefit, in addition to learning how to help you with your father's drinking you may (if you choose) also make many long lasting friendships. At the meetings you will learn how to “say what you mean… mean what you say and… not be mean when you say it”. You will learn how to emotionally detach from your father's alcoholism with love. You will also learn how to live “guilt free” when you find that you and your family are not the problem but the potential victims of alcoholism. You will also learn how to be strong enough to resist the negative influence that he has over your life and “make sure that you finish high school”. Alanon and Alateen is intended to help you, not the alcoholic directly. If it is at all possible to help your father you must first learn to help yourself. Alcoholism is a societal disease that affects everyone (friends, family, and employers etc) who comes into contact with an active alcoholic. Alcoholics are not bad people, they are sick people who need help, but they must be held responsible for their actions! You may not be able to do anything about your father's drinking but you can do something about the problem of concern that has developed in your life. Until you are armed with the right kind of information and understand the disease for what it really is, your efforts to help will be a waste of time. Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. For meeting locations, you can call your local Al-Anon/Alateen chapter by checking your local phone book under "Alcoholism" or calling the following toll-free numbers: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you choose not to go to Alanon/Alateen the least you can do is to stop trying to control a situation that is uncontrollable.

If you get anything out of my answer FINISH HIGH SCHOOL AND GO TO ALATEEN! If you don’t finish high school you will suffer the consequences of possibly ending up like your father or worse. Don’t let him win! There is nothing that you can do to fix your father. He will have to get to the point where he “is sick and tired of being sick and tired”. He has to stop because he wants to stop. There is nothing that you can do, so don’t put that on your shoulders in addition to your continually being brow-beaten by him. What your father has done is to substitute his drinking for another drug. He is now chewing his booze. Have you talked to your school counselor about your home situation? I would also suggest that you do!

If I can be of further help to you, feel free to write me again. Thank you Rebos,