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Addiction to Alcohol/daugher's alcoholic boyfriend

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Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 5/29/2007


Question
Hello--I need to know how to respond to my daughter, when she asks for advice. She is engaged to an alcoholic boyfriend. He is 38 yrs old, and has had drug and alcohol problems since he was about 12 yrs old. He was given drugs by a stepfather, and was neglected by his Mother. My daughter met him at her workplace--fell for him, and they moved in together. She knew he drank, but had no experience with dealing with an alcoholic. She now realizes that he is an addict, and is trying to help him overcome his addiction. Of course, he tells her that he will quit, and does manage to abstain for a couple of weeks. He has been to rehab, and AA in the past, with no results, and does not wish to return. He has also been cited for DUI, and has to have a breathilizer in his car in order to drive. He manages to stay sober enough to go to work, but drinks steadily on his 2 days off. He has blackouts, memory lapses, and can be verbally abusive when drinking. Of course, he doesn't remember it the next day. Sometimes he pounds the wall, and beats his head aganist the floor. She is afraid for him lately, and has left him, and came home to us. Her counselor told her to leave him, and so have I. but she keeps hoping she can convince him to go to AA again--so it is an on and off again situation. I don't say much--mainly listen--but I feel caught in the middle of what I think is a no win situation. I need an objective opinion as to what role I should play,as a concerned parent. Thanks for your input.  Jane  

Answer
Greetings to you, Jane.

One thing you might tell your daughter is that there is absolutely nothing she can do to help the man in question get well.  Then, you might try talking with her about why she still has "boys" for friends and has been "playing house" with one of them ... and if I may be completely frank with you ...

You have written, "I need an objective opinion as to what role I should play, as a concerned parent."

I have two daughters in their 30s, and each has had troubles similar to your daughter's.  A little over ten years ago I had to confess to them that I had failed them completely along the line of equipping them for life, and I have since introduced them to right spiritual living.  That parental role, then, is the Scriptural one of teaching our children about YHWH's power to deliver, His love in provision and His Way of lie in right fellowship and worship.

Please know you are welcomed to write again,

Joseph Lee O.
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com

Addiction to Alcohol

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Joseph Lee O.

Expertise

Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.

Experience

The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken. Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along. At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ... ... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.

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