Expert: Amarnath.B - 9/26/2002

Question
I have a very dear friend who, when she is sober and/or not stoned, is the most empathetic, kindest, most sensitive person I have ever known. The problem is she absolutely refuses to help herself. She has lost all her other friends, her daughter has taken her to court and divorced her, and her is a 9-year college student at 31 acting as a bouncer in a club and and as a leech, as he calls her like clockwise every month to pay her rent. Somehow along the way, she bought and sold some property and was able to amass some monies that keep her going. She is now on disability for an injury occurred 10 years ago on the job. Every month he calls her for $ and after that, she drinks or gets stoned and then calls me thinking she can hide her addiction(s). She cannot not…I am a recovered alcoholic and drug addict myself going thru a very tough time trying to find work after a very long absence in the work arena. I have literally given her the name of a group for therapy, suggested hospitalization, AA meetings; she just lies and tells me she will call. She never does. I don't know how to be a good friend and keep my own sanity. I am not the problem, she is. Is there ANY way I can get her to help herself? I know, I can't do it FOR her, she must WANT to do it. She obviously does not want to help herself. She says she does, but keeps repeating over and over the same behaviors. She is a lazy woman, which by the grace of god, because she does have some money, has been able to have things done for her, whether it be clean her apt. hang her shower curtain, turn on her tv. She pays people to do EVERYTHING for her. She has even paid me (in a gift of $100) to help her. I know the money represents paying for my friendship, but she claims not. She claims she is an honest person. I believe down-deep she is, but the drugs affect her honesty, and I catch her in lie after lie. Is there ANYTHING I can do for her?

Answer
Hello Lisa,

Being yourself in recovery I don't think you can do much lest it affects your sobriety. I suggest you leave your friend alone for a while & see how things shape up in the long run. I know its hard but you seem to be becoming a co-dependent in this vicious circle of addiction & please remember this actual act of sympathy/empathy on your part can become detrimental to both your sobriety & your friend's recovery.

God bless,

Amar