Expert: Rebos - 9/26/2002

Question
I have a very dear friend who, when she is sober and/or not stoned, is the most empathetic, kindest, most sensitive person I have ever known. The problem is she absolutely refuses to help herself. She has lost all her other friends, her daughter has taken her to court and divorced her, and her is a 9-year college student at 31 acting as a bouncer in a club and and as a leech, as he calls her like clockwise every month to pay her rent. Somehow along the way, she bought and sold some property and was able to amass some monies that keep her going. She is now on disability for an injury occurred 10 years ago on the job. Every month he calls her for $ and after that, she drinks or gets stoned and then calls me thinking she can hide her addiction(s). She cannot not…I am a recovered alcoholic and drug addict myself going thru a very tough time trying to find work after a very long absence in the work arena. I have literally given her the name of a group for therapy, suggested hospitalization, AA meetings; she just lies and tells me she will call. She never does. I don't know how to be a good friend and keep my own sanity. I am not the problem, she is. Is there ANY way I can get her to help herself? I know, I can't do it FOR her, she must WANT to do it. She obviously does not want to help herself. She says she does, but keeps repeating over and over the same behaviors. She is a lazy woman, which by the grace of god, because she does have some money, has been able to have things done for her, whether it be clean her apt. hang her shower curtain, turn on her tv. She pays people to do EVERYTHING for her. She has even paid me (in a gift of $100) to help her. I know the money represents paying for my friendship, but she claims not. She claims she is an honest person. I believe down-deep she is, but the drugs affect her honesty, and I catch her in lie after lie. Is there ANYTHING I can do for her?

Answer
Good afternoon Lisa:

Thank you for your question. I am going to answer you in a very straightforward manner…I hope that I do not offend you by telling you the truth as I see it. Being in recovery yourself some of what I relate to you will be familiar, but nonetheless may be worthwhile to be reminded of from someone who is emotionally detached from the situation.

If your friend does not stop drinking and join some sort of program like AA, expect a relationship full of pain and misery. AND worst of all there is always the possibility that you could start drinking or drugging again! If she does not take any action toward her recovery and you remain close with her you will become her “victim”, but never her real friend. Drinking alcoholics take “hostages”. She can't have a real friend, because her alcoholism will not allow her to have a normal relationship with another human being. All addicted people become “users”. I am sure you know that active alcoholics are generally self-centered to the extreme. Booze (or feeding their addiction) becomes more important to them than ANYTHING ELSE. As much as she may care for you, her addiction will never allow you to interfere with her drinking. Her drinking will always come before everything, her health, her family, and even her very life.

Yes, she is probably a wonderful person (lots of sick people are)…that's the hell of it, to see such a kind and good person be taken down by this dreaded disease. Remember that alcoholics are not bad people trying to become good, they are sick people trying or should be trying to get well. That she repeats the same behaviors over and over again is the definition of insanity, which is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results!

By breaking off your relationship with her, you may, in the end, be doing her a big favor by helping to raise her “bottom”. Furthermore, I know of many cases where the non-drinker of a friendship ends up “joining “ the drinker. What ever you do don't join her in her drinking. You said, “your are having a tough time of it yourself”, and you don't need the grief. You are much to close to the problem to do her any good except to be a power of example for her to go to when and if and when she asks for “real” help.

If you can't bring yourself to end the relationship it may be well to examine your own motives as to why you won't. I hope that it is not that she has a few bucks and that you are unemployed.

It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become “enablers”. As you know, an enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic's actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. The enabler may be meeting a need of their own rather that the need of the alcoholic. If an enabler has no special knowledge or training in the field of alcoholism and they try to help, the alcoholic can sense the ineptness and weakness of the enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be forgiven and rescued time and time again. In a backhanded way an enabler gives the alcoholic “permission” to drink by their continued acceptance of the alcoholic's unacceptable behavior. What ever you decide to do it should be based upon your head talking and not your heart. Don't let your actions appear to be allowing her to continue drinking.  

If you decide to break it off… the next time she contacts you make it very clear to her that you don't want to her to call you again unless she wants to do something positive about her drinking problem. Never make any threat to her unless you intend to follow through with it. If she asks you for help to take her to a meeting or a detox unit make sure that you take someone with you that she has not met before. You are really too close to help her beyond her first contact cry for help. A detox would probably be best for her to get some distance between her and her last drink.

Just to refresh your memory don't be lulled into thinking that she will stop drinking just because she says that she will. It's not that she will purposely lie to you… but she will lie to herself because down deep she is afraid to stop. Alcoholism is powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious. If she does nothing about stopping then she is destined to die a drunk's death, get involved negatively with the law or end up in a mental institution. I am only stating what you probably already know. I have never seen an alcoholic stop drinking on willpower alone. The disease is too powerful.  

Unfortunately, there is no good fairy that will tap her on the shoulder and make her “all better”. She gottawanna! I wish you the very best and once again I hope that I have not taken too much liberty with you in the way I have answered your question. I would like to suggest that if you are in AA or NA it would be wise for you to talk to your sponsor about this situation you are faced with. To boil my answer down into one sentence: there is little that you can do to help your friend except to take care of your self in order that you will be there to help her if she asks for it. Concerning on what and how she is wastefully spending her money…is really none of your business. Yes there are lots of leeches that take advantage of alcoholics and other unfortunates.

If I can be of further help please do not hesitate to contact me again through Allexperts. I would appreciate your rating this answer. Thank you Rebos.