Expert: Clyde - 10/31/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hi Clyde, I've written to you before. My husband and I have been married 11 years. The past 3 has been very difficult. He was the classic alcoholic rager, controlling, blamer and bullier. Things came to a head a little over a year ago when he threatened my life and was forced to get out patient treatment. He has remained sober but is not working the steps-program. He is almost more unhappy than before. I am a social drinker if that. No alcohol is allowed at the house or any friends that might drink. I have complied with all his "rules". Last night I went to my sons jv football game in another town. On the way home I stopped for 40 minutes to see a good friend who lives in that town.I rarely get out there to see her. I was there 40 minutes, I had my 9 year old son with me. I was offered 1 drink which I had. When I returned home, my husband said I was late. I told him where I'd been (as did my son). He then started to get close to me, and finally pretended to give me a hug and kiss only to fly into a rage that I'd been out drinking...Berating me about I threatened our sons life.This went on for a couple hours. Luckily, he didn't really get fired up until the kids were in bed. But he once again ruined my night with me ending up in tears....He always says I should be doing this, this and this and WE'D be better. At the same time his Moms health is not well and she is in the hospital for the 5th time in 3 months. I know hes under pressure but I feel bullied as much as before. What am I supposed to do? Wasn't his behavior out of line? Debbie

ANSWER: Debbie,
  Thank you for your questions and the follow up about your situation.

  The answer to your question: Wasn't his behavior out of line? is clearly yes, it was.  No one has the right to berate or unjustly scold another.  I say unjustly because there are clearly times when this might be appropriate but not in this case.

  Two things in your story are telling.  One, he is a dry drunk, not working the program or working the steps of recovery.  This is a very miserable place to be.  Not recovering and learning new behaviors while at the same time not being able to imbibe in the old "friend" alcohol makes for an even more frustrating experience for the alcoholic.  You are right when you say he appears to be more unhappy now than before - he is!

   Add to that the impending health issues with a parent and the unrecovering alcoholic is treading on very thin ice.  There is no familiar relief from the pain and fear.

   Those two things are very understandable.  Not good but understandable.

   Your first question: What am I supposed to do? is more difficult to answer.  But you have mentioned threats from your husband in the past.  You do not have to accept that behavior - it is wrong of him to put you in that place of personal fear.  If you feel that his rage will turn physically violent, do not stay.  Find a safe place for yourself and the children.  Call the police if you need to do so.  Your protection is paramount at this time.

   If your husband is at all approachable, you can suggest further counseling for both of you.  He needs the help, not you, but if you can be willing to enter counseling with him then you may have an opportunity to get him to a place where he will be able to listen to a third party's admonishment of his behavior.  I say "if you are willing" because you do not owe him this. Once again, you are a person who has every right to stand up for what you really want right now.  

  I know these are very difficult times for you.  His problems dealing with recovery are unfortunate but not your issue.  I hope that he will continue to think very hard on what he had better get to doing in this program before it is too late.

   All the other things you have mentioned such as "the rules" etc. are all secondary to the main issue of his working a program and getting the help he needs.  Until then, work on these other things will be impossible.
 
  Stay in touch.  I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Grace and Peace,

Clyde

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for your quick response Clyde. I just found out tonight that when my husband helped our 9 yr old to bed last night he "drilled" him on if I'd been drinking and how he better be telling the truth. I am just devastated at all these behaviours. Our son was upset about that and very confused....I didn't know what to even tell him except that his Dad is upset now. We did go to counceling for about a month (in Aug). He accused me of manipulating the other councelors and so I asked him to pick one he wanted. It was going well although it got intense as we started digging. Then abruptly he pulled the plug and canceled all appointments saying that I wasn't going for the right reasons, being honest, yada yada. So that was the end of that. His has a lot of mood swings and he says I do too. Maybe I do as I never know what to act or feel or do to have things be ok. Since his Mom got sick things have really heated up and hes been blaming me saying this is all my fault for his frustrations. I know God doesn't give you more than you can handle but I'm starting to wonder as things are just so miserable.....He told me last night hes had enough of me and my attitude. I told him I took a vow and am here which I think says a lot but thats not enough. At this point I'm not sure how a future together will work. He insists he loves me but if he loved and trusted me, my stopping at a friends shouldn't be an issue. I'm not a child that needs to be punished. Its all control, he goes to meetings maybe 1 every 2 weeks but nothing else. What do you suggest, counceling again?? Debbie

Answer
Debbie,
  Thank you for your follow-up with additional information and question.

  I remembered you said that you had been to counselors but my latest comment suggested another round of that treatment, if you are willing.  As I said, you do not owe this to him but it would definitely be worth broaching again.  Keep in mind he has issues that alone are his.

  Based on my experience with being caught in alcoholism and even subsequent situations that I did not know how to handle, I think you describe a person who is desperately trying to hold on to defenses that he feels are protecting him.  I was a hurt little boy inside and I thought I needed the anger and the deriding attitude toward those I loved in order to protect that very fragile inner person. I could not be vulnerable as I was afraid that my fragile center would not survive.  Our psyche has a marvelous ability to protect itself.  That gets into all the psychological talk and I won't give you a treatise on that.

  But try and see the psychological battle that it probably going on in his mind.  He is not at fault, he seems to have either "been born that way" (as we say in AA), or his upbringing has impinged on his psyche to such an extent that he has developed these destructive behaviors.

   That is my take on him.

   Now, let's spend some time looking at Debbie.  Does that sound ominous to look at yourself?  Most people will never get close to their inner psyche because it can be a rather dark place.  People who do get close to their inner soul will work on that "knowing" their whole lives but they have discovered something - that is what we are to be about anyway!  It becomes an exhilarating exercise in growth.

   William James, one of the greatest psychologists/psychiatrists of our age, says there are two types of people - sick-souls and healthy-minded.  You probably would assume he would have said we want to be healthy-minded but not so. He said we needed to learn to be sick-souls.  We need to learn we are always in need of growth and seek help to do that.  By doing that we would continue on a path in life that brought us ever closer to the loving human beings we were intended to be.  

   If you are serious about this marriage, and even if you are not for that matter, do you desire to know more about Debbie and who she really is?  That is a question anyone dealing with alcoholism should ask themselves.  They are caught in a relationship displaying bad behavior and perhaps they should do some soul-searching to find out why they got into it in the first place or why they choose to stay.

   I applaud your understanding of your "vow" and I marvel at the institution of marriage.  I take very seriously the notion of "for richer for poorer; in sickness and in health; until death do us part."  Abuse, however, infringes on my right as a human being and I believe it is appropriate for us to lift up prayers asking for guidance as to what God would have us do.  We may be staying and dying ourselves (ahead of God's time for us) or we may be enabling the person who is needing to get healthy.  Just some thoughts.

  There is Alanon, a group of people who are making that journey into their own healthy life by looking at themselves.

   Hope this helps and keep in touch.

Grace and Peace,

Clyde