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Sometimes I feel like I don't need aa meetings, I can admit right now I'm an alcoholic. Every day I've been leaving work around 12 pm to go home and start drinking vodka. Sometimes I drink enough to just get very drunk, sometimes I drink so much I pass out and have no idea what happened the night before. I feel bad for my husband but I feel sometimes he is the reason I drink so much. Him, and the fact that my work is extremely stressful and I have a boss who degrades me and is arrogant and hateful to me.My husband, I worry about him all the time and he gets annoyed with my drunken ramblings and the fact that I am always telling him I love you or I miss you. The drinking that I do on a daily basis is getting worse. I can no longer plan any outings as I know I will be drunk and not able to go anywhere in the evenings ( i have never, ever, driven drunk and refuse to). No idea what I should do, I have a family full of recovering, and still- practicing alcoholics and I feel it may be genetic, especially since I can't even talk to my dad without us bothing being at least a little tipsy. My job will soon become full time and I am scared as to what I will do once I can't have my daily afternoon drink. Please help me, I'm so lost and my husband just ignores what I say about my fears most of the time.
thanks,
-Nicki
Greetings to you, Nicki.
You have written:
>> Sometimes I feel like I don't need aa meetings ...
Well, of course! We have an illness that tells us we are okay!
>> Sometimes I drink enough to just get very drunk ...
“Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol.” (Dr. Silkworth, in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book)
>> ... sometimes I drink so much I pass out and have no idea what happened the night before.
“After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree ...”
>> I feel bad for my husband but I feel sometimes he is the reason I drink so much.
“They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks ...”
>> The drinking that I do on a daily basis is getting worse.
“...alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, page 30)
>> Please help me ...
Do you have a desire to stop drinking?
Please do write again,
Joe
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Answers by Expert:
Joseph Lee O.
Expertise
Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.
Experience
The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken.
Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along.
At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ...
... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.
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