Expert: Rebos - 10/13/2007

Question
My future husband drinks every single day. He drinks until he passes out. When he drinks he does and say really hurtful and abusive things. He has never really physcially hit me but he throws things and shoves me around. He threatens to hit me. He has 4 dui's and has went to classes but he still drinks. If I bring up that fact he drinks to much he gets to the point that he kicks me and the kids out of our home. He worries about the bills and the fact that we just purchased a new home but he always finds ways to purchase the wine or what ever he decides to drink that night. Do you think he will end up hurting me and the kids? Do you think he will ever just stop on his own? Getting 4 dui's didnt stop him, jail didnt stop him. I have confronted his family and they think it is just us having a fight and they dont want to get involved. We only fight when he drinks. When he doesnt drink he is a perfect man and father. We do not see many of those days because he always has an excuse why he needs to drink...Should I continue to love him and stay and try to help. What should we do we love him but enough is enough. He sneaks off to bars (no cheating we checked on him) and tells us he is working late. He will drink w/single friends or even sometimes alone...Do you think he is to far gone?

Answer
Good afternoon Treasa and thank you for your question.

No! I don’t think that your “future husband” will stop drinking on his own! What will it take for you to realize that your “future husband” is abusing you when he throws things and shoves you around? Are you waiting until you (and maybe your children) end up being a headline in the newspaper? As far as him ending up hurting you and the kids; It’s a sure thing that he has already hurt you and the kids, but for some reason you don’t see it! Don’t you realize that he is already hurting the kids by his actions when he is drinking? He is a terrible roll model for the kids! There is a good possibility that they (the kids) will follow in your “future husband’s” footsteps. I would bet that the kids are doing poorly in school, and are afraid to bring any of their friends home because they don’t know what condition their father will be in. You say that he is not cheating with women, but he is cheating you and the children out of any kind of good life! Alcohol to an alcoholic is worse than cheating with a woman, because it takes over an alcoholic’s life plus his family’s life. Alcohol to an alcoholic is more than just a mistress… it owns the alcoholic lock stock and barrel!

I can’t to tell you to leave him or not, nor can I tell you what to do legally. However, if you intend to stay with this man I strongly suggest that you start going to Alanon. ! I assume that you know what Al-Anon is. Alcoholism is a disease that affects everyone (negatively) that come into contact with an alcoholic. If the children are old enough they can go to Alateen. You can either start YOUR recovery process now – or keep the illness going and destroy your family unit. Your best defense against the emotional impact of your future husband’s drinking is to gain knowledge and the emotional maturity to put that knowledge into effect. Al-Anon can be reached by calling 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to not go to Al-Anon the least that you can do is to stop trying to control something that you can’t control.

If I can be of further help please let me know in a follow-up question. Thank you, Rebos.