Expert: Todd - 11/6/2004

Question
I have told my wife that I want a divorce. She is a confirmed, severe alcoholic for about 4 years. She/we have been to rehab, AA, Alalon constantly but to apparently no avail. I'm told she doesn't do the program right. Anyway, she cycles: binge followed by profuse apologies etc. for a period of time, then another binge. The cycles are progressively shorter and I have had it. The past few episodes have seen me motel it for increasingly longer stays where I think about divorce. This time I said it to her. Each time however, I come back home. I see myself drifting back to that conclusion again but don't want to. If I could snap my fingers and be done with it, I would. I guess the big problem is that she is dependent on me. How do I get past the guilt of discarding her after over 20 years of being together even though I have justification? Thanx, Steve

Answer
Hi Steve,

Thanks so much for being willing to ask this question. I know you might feel disconnected and or isolated, so I appreciate your willingness to put yourself out there.

I think you have come to what I like to call "threshold" where you have had enough, you feel saturated, and now you need to do something different. Doing more of anything never works, different does. It might FEEL like what you have to do is immense, but I don't sense that it is that difficult. I had a similar situation with a family member that continued to drink. Trying to reason with a sober alcoholic is useless as you got what I got: a lot of promises to change, baseless apologies, etc.

Nothing worked until I made a decision and stuck with it. When I wanted to go back on the boundaries I set up I called a friend for support,,,in fact I called many people, I made sure I had a therapist in the wings in case I started to feel sorry for this person..and I made sure I engaged in taking care of the obligation I felt. I did this by making sure the person had a place to live, food to eat, and connections for resources, etc. With many aspects of life there is "ritual", and the ritual is essentially following through, going through the motions, etc. Not following through gives your wife permission to drink and makes you feel bad as you continue to stay stuck.

I think you are going to have to file your motion for divorce (making sure you have all sorts of support in the wings for when you feel "weak" (for lack of better word), make sure that you continue to define your boundaries,,,and keep them; make sure that you follow through on what you said you will do. Alcoholics tend to lie a lot, so we don't trust them. They have no money in the trust bank.. When we don't follow through, neither do we. Your wife knows your buttons, knows how to push them, and knows what she needs to say to get you to stay/change your mind/make you feel sorry for her.

Make sure you have a lot of support to deal with your wife. Not only are you doing emotional battle with her, but you are taking a stand against the disease. I am sure you know no one can stay sober on their own.. In fact, the spouses generally need more support as the alcoholic has been able to warp their reality with booze--the spouse that doesn't drink alcoholically does not have the ability to chemically alter how they feel, thus the emotional consequences are full force in their/your face.

I don't think you are "discarding" her even though it feels that way. Should you continue to stay you are essentially letting her know her behavior is okay.. If it was that serious you would have left already..(this is what she tells herself so she can drink again).. Not following through is one of the most difficult things for you (as you feel bad) and one of the most dangerous things for your wife. People generally say they don't want to leave as they don't want their spouse/friend/s/o to feel bad,,but I sense the reality is that the person saying this doesn't want to feel bad..

If it was easy everybody would do it.... You are always welcome to let me know how it worked out..

Best,
Todd