You are here:

Addiction to Alcohol/ex's addiction to alcohol and sudden proposal

Advertisement

Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 5/24/2007


Question
hi, my ex and I dated for 6-8 months. The whole time we dated I knew he was addicted to alcohol and drugs and we fought over this many times. he would continually tell me that he would quit or stop and then a day to week later he would start again. we finally broke up and I moved out of state and back in with my parents.  Just recently (7 months later) he asked me to marry him. he claims that he has quit and he no longer wants to cause that pain on me anymore and that he wants to spend his life with me...ect. i can tell in his face that he hasn't done anything recently because his face looks a lot younger and healthier, but my fear is, is he going to go back to drinking? would it be stupid for me to go back to him? is he just saying all this to get me back or does he really care? a few friends say that unless he has gone to AA he will continue to drink...is this true?

what should I do about this?

Answer
Greetings to you, Lerin.


You have written,

>> my ex and I dated for 6-8 months ... he would continually tell me he would quit or stop and then a day to week later he would start again.

In a quiet and respectful way, ask him what is different this time.  Ask him what assurance he has that his drinking and drugging days are now over.  If he gets defensive, cocky or angry over your question, all is probably not well.

>> he claims he has quit and he no longer wants to cause that pain on me anymore ...

That is believable, and maybe he truly means well, but that does not also mean he has actually found a solution.

>> he claims he has quit ... and that he wants to spend his life with me...etc.

Same response.  It is possible he is completely sincere, and he should be given some time to let his possible transformation make itself evident.

>> my fear is, is he going to go back to drinking?

Unless he has experienced spiritual reconciliation and transformation and is now on a path of right fellowship and worship, yes, he probably will.

>> would it be stupid for me to go back to him?

At this particular point in time, it would certainly be unwise for you to give yourself to a man whose permanent recovery has yet to be proved.  My suggestion would be that you might allow him to court you publicly with others *always* present - absolutely no intimate physical contact of any kind, and no "home alone" at any time ever - for one year.  In a kind way, let him know those are you non-negotiable terms so that both he and you can be convinced of his new character.

>> is he just saying all this to get me back or does he really care?

Unless you have a lot of money or something else a man might try to steal away, I would guess he "really cares" while hoping all he has said can be true.  In others words, you and he are likely both presently waiting to see what really does happen.

>> a few friends say that unless he has gone to AA he will continue to drink...is this true?

Whether through today's AA, the original A.A. or any other available vehicle, the spiritual reconciliation, transformation and path of right fellowship and worship I have mentioned are absolutely necessary for permanent recovery.

>> what should I do about this?

As I have shared, and as it seems this man truly interests you, I would suggest you take his words at face value and give him at least a full year to let them be proved to each of you.  And if you like, put him in touch with me.

Peace to you,

Joseph Lee O.
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com

Addiction to Alcohol

All Answers

Answers by Expert:

Ask Experts

Volunteer

Joseph Lee O.

Expertise

Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.

Experience

The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken. Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along. At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ... ... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.

©2012 About.com, a part of The New York Times Company. All rights reserved.