Expert: Rebos - 9/15/2006

Question
dear rebos, i was married for 21yrs. divorced for 2yrs. we were young and partiers like most 18 and 19yr olds. i have read a few of your replies to people. i too attended allonon a few times. i was the enabler but for 7yrs he quit drinking and became a work alcholic. then after the seven 7yrs. he started to drink again. and had an affair. my oldest daughter is at collage and was graduating when the marriage was ending. so she got help from school and was told not to come home and instead got an apartment and worked her but off to stay away. i live in my ex's house raising our youngest daughter, he is with his mother in another town. since the divorce he has had a dwi and a pi and the drinking is worse than ever. i dont want him to fall but i no longer look out for him and most of his family is alcholics. and where he is staying now his mother looks out for him like he is a child. he has had many blackouts also. both daughters want nothing to do with him. right now i call him a fucntioning alcholic because even though the drinking is worse he still is also a work alcholic. he really believes that he is on top of the world. but he is just going down . he has a great carreer and its all about image and relyability. should i still continue to just work on my self and my daughters work on theirs? help me out here.please!

Answer
Good morning Annette:

Thank you for your question. I hope that I can help you with your situation.

First off, I would strongly suggest that you return to Al-Anon, get active in the program of recovery (for you), get yourself a sponsor, and work on the twelve steps of recovery. I would make the same suggestion to your daughters especially so since they appear to have deep resentments toward their father. Both you and they have to learn to hate the disease and not the one afflicted with the disease.

Of course his mother is treating your ex like he is a child. She doesn’t realize that she has become his enabler. All that she can see is HER SON needing HER HELP and does not want to abandon him…It is very natural for her to feel that way. She doesn’t yet realize that she is killing him with kindness by not holding him responsible for his actions. Only if you are on good speaking terms with her would I suggest that you mention Al-Anon to her.

You do know that your ex’s good luck will eventually run out concerning his job. Either he will start to neglect his job or that his health will eventually give out and he will be forced to take more and more days off from work due to his drinking. I don’t know how strict the drunk driving laws are where he lives, but he will eventually lose his license, kill someone, or end up incarcerated if he doesn’t get help. He can’t serve his addiction to alcohol and live a normal life the booze will not allow anything to get in its way to be satisfied.
  
I don’t know what your divorce agreement was, but I would imagine that you may have some concern about him eventually losing the house (that you are living in) or losing his job if there is support coming to you and the children. Once again I would recommend that you return to Al-Anon to help you.

I hope that I have answered your question…if not feel free to contact me again. Thank you. Rebos