Expert: Jurriaan Plesman, Nutritional Psychotherapist - 4/15/2007

Question
Hello. I hope to try to keep this short but I have alot of questions.  I am 29 years old and my father is an alcoholic.  I love him more than anything but I also know that he choses alchohol over his family.  I am an enabler to a "T". I need some advice on my current situation.  My fiancee and I became engaged 8 months ago.  When we first met we both drank together and it was alot of fun.  I overlooked alot of the signs of his over indulgence because we were having fun.  Now that we have become engaged and this is going to be the "rest of my life"..I have become hyper-sensitive to his over indulgence.  I myself will have a few drinks but I also have control over my drinking. It is a social thing for me...1-2 drinks every once in awhile. There are times that when he drinks he will drink a large amount of alchohol...he can drink 20 beers and have hard alchohol along with it as well. This has become an issue in our engagement.  I don't want to be with someone like my father. I deserve better and I don't want to live a life or bring children into a relationship controlled by alchohol. I am also very much in love with this person and the emotions are playing a role.  I am very open and honest with him about my concerns.  I have gotten the common answer of "I will slow down".  He recognizes now and has admitted that at times when he drinks he has difficulty controlling the amount.  He has also asked for me to help him control the amount that he drinks and has said that if he cannot he will seek help (don't know if I believe that)....here comes the tough part for me.  I don't want to be the one in control of the amount that he drinks.....that is not helping him.... I also have a hard time with this.  My father went to rehab and it was miserable...when he came home he was depressed and he wasn't my fun loving dad.  I lost a part of all I had known growing up and this hurt.  I became torn between wanting him to control his drinking and hating to see him miserable not drinking.  I feel like i am getting into this situation with my fiancee.  i dont' want him to over indulge...but I also do not want him to lose out on the fun social situations with his friends.  I am so torn and need some clarification on this point.  He is 26 and when in was in college he was the captain of the hockey team.  He and "the guys" drank alot together. He still plays hockey on a mens league and they drink after....his friends are all still in the phase of drinking and having fun and not really in a place of alot of responsibilities.  He is the only engaged one.  I see him being torn between the drinking with the guys and me.  He has made many changes since we've been togeher....but it's the over indulgence in alchohol that scares me.  We do not have any issues of being mean or verbally abusive or anything like that when he drinks...it's the amount.  To be honest, he is alot of fun to be with when he is sober and drunk.  My problem is the future....the fact that my dad is a severe alchoholic and I don't want that for myself....my fear is that he won't grow out of this and the unknown of the future.  There is so much and I hope I'm not confusing you.  I myself am confused with emotions at this time.  I guess right now I am looking for help in terms of his over indulgence, my fears of the future, and the inability to trust when he says that he will control it. I've watched my father...this is very easy to say but not do.  

Answer
Dear Sue,

You certainly have something to worry about if you are going to commit your life to an alcoholic. You and your children are going to suffer, if he does not seek help.

The treatment of alcoholism is very controversial, as the treatment results are not very promising.

The first thing is that he needs to be motivated to stop drinking. Without this
treatment is practically useless. the motivation has to come from within!

I see addiction not so much as a "mental" illness as a physical illness. Most addicts can overcome their addiction with a combination of nutritional and psychotherapy. My book is all about that. I also believe that he should be able to do so by himself, if he understands the biochemistry of addiction and a bit of nutritional therapy.

Please read:

Drug Addiction is a Nutritional Disorder at:
http://forums.delphiforums.com/clinutrition/messages/?msg=183.1

“Why Alcoholics drink?” at
http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/why_alcoholics_drink.html

Later on he should also complete a course in psychotherapy, also available at out web site free of charge.

I hope I have been of some assistance.

_________________________________
Jurriaan Plesman, BA(Psych), Post Grad Dip Clin Nutr
Editor: HYPOGLYCEMIC HEALTH ASSOCIATION OF AUSTRALIA at
www.hypoglycemia.asn.au
Author: “Getting off the Hook” at
Google Book Search