Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 9/20/2006

Question
I have been with my partner for 12 years and for 8 of those years his drinking has rapidly increased. Two months ago I gave him an ultimatum and now he is surprised to learn I will be leaving him later this month. I have been enabling him to drink for far too long and enough is enough but why do I feel so guilty, I feel sick and I feel like a complete bitch please help! Thankyou

Answer
Dear Ruth

Ah, the secondary emotions that kick our asses. Apparently one of your responses to taking care of yourself is to feel guilty how others respond to your boundaries. Stop it! You are doing exactly the right thing to set healthy boundaries and enforcing them. You are loving yourself and that is the first rule in creating healthy relationships. You apparently feel that how others react to you is something you have to control, and unfortunately you have no control over anyone else. Since you can't control other people, you interpret that as some sort of failure for which you feel guilty. The other part of the equation is that you are grieving, and guilt is a necessary step in the grieving process. It is only temporary, and you will get through the guilt with the realization that you are happier than you were before. So keep your chin up, girl!
You are a winner!

good luck