Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 12/23/2007

Question
Hi Joseph:

I was dating a girl for just about a year. When we met, she had just gotten a
DUI and her drinking was out of control. She new from the counseling
courses she had to go to that she was an alcoholic. i saw the realization in
her eyes. and yet she only made one attempt to get sober (which in retrospect
was the classic 'drying out' maneuver instead of really getting sober.) she
went to a total of two AA meetings. she's 33.  

Back in October she made the decision to start drinking again after her ne
month of drying out, she said "i just need to control it," which I had heard
many times before.

My ultimatum to her while she was sober was: if you end up with another
binge drink night where you pass out face down on the floor, or take it out on
me emotionally,  I will leave you for good. because you always promise to
seek help and then don't follow through on it. and  even though I love you
more than life itself and want to have kids with you and marry you, if you
can't stay sober for one month how would you do it for nine?

more importantly, i would be enabling her addiction.

to cut the story short: she binged,  and  when i heard the well rehearsed "no
more for me," speech the morning after, i all of a sudden stopped believing
that promise. so i ended the relationship.

the problem is i still love her and always will.  in one way i thought if i left
perhaps it would help her really bottom out, but i guess that's naive.

and now my problem is i'm wracked with guilt over having left and
questioning everything she said, wondering how many times i was lied to
about drinking or anything else.  is it going to make her drinking worse? was
there anything i could've done differently to have helped her 'bottom' out so
she could get help? did she really think i wouldn't leave?

and finally, i guess my biggest question is:  was i right in leaving?  or is there
a wrong or right answer to this question?

and how do I get over this? it's not a 'normal' breakup, you know?  it really
hurts.

thanks for reading
david  

Answer
Greetings to you, David.

If I might begin at the end of your letter, you have asked:

>> i guess my biggest question is: was i right in leaving?  or is there a wrong or right answer to this question?

Rhetorically: Would a man be right in divorcing his wife who had cancer and was not getting treatment?  Personally, I think not.  But of course, you had not actually made an “in sickness and in health” kind of commitment to this woman anyway.  So then, and in a world where “dating” conditions people for marriage failures, you have only done what many people everywhere do all the time.

What should you do now?  First, please allow me to show you a little about “a world of ignorance and misunderstanding” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, page 20) related to alcoholism and the alcoholic.

You have written:

>> She new from the counseling courses she had to go to that she was an alcoholic ... and yet she only made one attempt to get sober (which in retrospect was the classic 'drying out' maneuver instead of really getting sober.)  she went to a total of two AA meetings.

Alcoholism is a two-fold condition and both parts of it appear in the above, but the alcoholic usually only ever attempts to deal with them one at a time.  The idea that she “knew she was an alcoholic” likely comes from her either being told or even discovering on her own she could never drink safely (or normally).  That is the physical part of alcoholism, and “the classic ‘drying out’ maneuver” was about building some hope she could later drink safely ... and AA did not interest her because nobody there tries to help people drink safely.  Rather, some people are even told to “go get done” trying to drink safely:

“We do not like to pronounce any individual as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself.  Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking.  Try to drink and stop abruptly.  Try it more than once.  It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself about it.  It may be worth a bad case of jitters if you get a full knowledge of your condition.” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, pages 31-32)

If you are interested in trying to be helpful to this woman, I will do my best to try to help you try to help her make the necessary transition from a desire to drink safely to a desire to stop drinking altogether.  It will only be when she has a desire to stop altogether that the help she needs might appeal to her:

“As we look back, we feel we had gone on drinking many years beyond the point where we could quit on our will power.  If anyone questions whether he has entered this dangerous area, let him try leaving liquor alone for one year.  If he is a real alcoholic and very far advanced, there is scant chance of success.  In the early days of our drinking we occasionally remained sober for a year or more, becoming serious drinkers again later.  Though you may be able to stop for a considerable period, you may yet be a potential alcoholic.  We think few, to whom this book will appeal, can stay dry anything like a year ...” (page 34)

Again, alcoholism is a two-fold condition, and she will have to learn about it one part at a time.  First she needs to learn about the physical “cancer” she has that makes normal drinking impossible – do a web search for “Virginia Davis” and “THIQ” – and then she has to find out that neither can she simply leave it alone altogether.

Whether or not you “left” your physical relationship with this woman will not ultimately prove to be a deciding factor concerning her alcoholism, and I would not even say you have any obligation to try to help her get over it.  But, maybe that is something you would still like to try to do for someone you care about.

You have written:

>> Back in October she made the decision to start drinking again after her ne month of drying out, she said "i just need to control it," ...

Do you see that “desire to drink safely”?  You likely already know she cannot be forced to quit altogether, but it is not yet time to suggest permanent sobriety.

>> My ultimatum to her while she was sober was: if you end up with another binge drink night ... I will leave you for good. because you always promise to seek help and then don't follow through on it.

Again, there is no place for her to find the help she presently seeks:

“Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing as making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic.  Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn't done so yet.” (page 31)

>> more importantly, i would be enabling her addiction.

Maybe so, or maybe not.  That matter of “enabling” is not so cut-and-dried.  Some drinkers are openly defiant and consciously “hell-bent”, but not all.

>> when i heard the well rehearsed "no more for me," speech the morning after, i all of a sudden stopped believing that promise.

“The classification of alcoholics seems most difficult, and in much detail is outside the scope of this book.  There are, of course, the psychopaths who are emotionally unstable.  We are all familiar with this type.  They are always ‘going on the wagon for keeps.’  They are over-remorseful and make many resolutions, but never a decision.” (Dr. William D. Silkworth in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book)

I would question whether she meant that “no more for me” as a promise to you as much as she was trying to say something to herself.  You might now try to let her know you are coming to understand she could never have kept that resolution ... and to you I would say that is because of the mental/emotion factor that makes alcoholism chronic (recurring).

>> in one way i thought if i left perhaps it would help her really bottom out, but i guess that's naive.

Not necessarily, but neither is the result usually immediate.  Alcoholics usually end up in unbearable loneliness, and that can often take a long time.

>> and now my problem is i'm wracked with guilt over having left and questioning everything she said ...

Understood, yet what you did is very understandable.

>> is it going to make her drinking worse?

She might drink more to ease an ever-increasing pain, but that pain is largely self-inflicted (even though she would not understand that at the moment).

>> was there anything i could've done differently to have helped her 'bottom' out so she could get help?

You might have tried to help her with the “try to control it” experiment, but there is no guarantee she would have participated.

>> did she really think i wouldn't leave?

I do not know, but she is presently dealing with the much bigger issue of her alcoholism.  In the final analysis, it is still mostly “the bottle” she is hoping never leaves her hanging ... yet maybe she is finding out it is no longer as comforting as it used to be.

>> how do I get over this? it's not a 'normal' breakup, you know?  it really hurts.

Become her champion.  Learn about her alcoholism and what is necessary for permanent recovery, and employ your most tender and caring ways while attempting to learn how to convey that information to her in the proper order.  You can find “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, online here:
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

And, I will gladly do whatever I can to help you understand it.

Peace to you,

Joseph Lee O.
leejosepho@hotmail.com