Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 11/13/2006

Question
Two years ago I met a man who impacted my life so severely, that not a day goes by without me thinking on him. He lives far away and so our communication is rarely any more than a text, email or phone call. He is an alcoholic. He had been sober for 7 years but has recently fallen. I have read everything I can about this horrid disease. I go to AA meetings and even have given up drinking alcohol entirely, in sympathy I guess. I feel so helpless. When he tries to stop and calls or sends that text of "I am so thirsty Mary" or "I need a fucking drink" or "Why should I not walk into that liquor store right now Mary?", I become so desperate. What can I do? What can I say? How can I help him stop this cycle of self abuse? I love him so deeply...my heart hurts.  

Answer
Greetings to you, Mary.

Some of the things you may have learned about alcoholism might ultimately prove helpful in some way, but one of the first things you might do next is to read "Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, to find out more about the alcoholic.  For example:

"He is often perfectly sensible and well balanced concerning everything except liquor ...
"He often possesses special abilities, skills, and aptitudes ...
"He uses his gifts to build up a bright outlook ... and then pulls the structure down on his head by a senseless series of sprees ...
"Perhaps he goes to a doctor ... begins to appear at hospitals and sanitariums.  This is by no means a comprehensive picture of the true alcoholic, as our behavior patterns vary.  But this description should identify him roughly.
"Why does he behave like this?  If hundreds of experiences have shown him that one drink means another debacle with all its attendant suffering and humiliation, why is it he takes that one drink?  Why can't he stay on the water wagon?  What has become of the common sense and will power that he still sometimes displays with respect to other matters?
"...
"... the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body.  If you ask him why he started on that last bender, the chances are he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis ...
"Once in a while he may tell the truth.  And the truth, strange to say, is usually that he has no more idea why he took that first drink than you have ...
"... everybody hopefully awaits the day when the sufferer will rouse himself from his lethargy and assert his power of will.
"The tragic truth is that if the man be a real alcoholic, the happy day may not arrive.  He has lost control.  At a certain point in the drinking of every alcoholic, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail.  This tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case long before it is suspected.
"The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink.  Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent.  We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago.  We are without defense against the first drink."

You say this man had been sober for seven years, and I wonder if he had been involved in any kind of so-called "self-help program".  If so, maybe now he is beginning to realize those kinds of things do not work for real alcoholics, assuming he is one.  In any case, the next thing you might do is to learn about the solution needed by people who cannot keep themselves from drinking:

"There is a solution.  Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation.  But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it.  When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet.  We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed.
"The great fact is just this, and nothing less: That we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences ... the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous.  He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves."

You have mentioned text messages with comments and questions about getting a drink, and the reason for that is almost certainly a matter of the lonely alcoholic in desperate need of even long-distance attention.  Some of us can do some really silly things at times to try to kill the loneliness of what can be called “white-knuckle sobriety”.  But of course, and for the willing, there is also a solution for that:

“‘I know I must get along without liquor, but how can I?  Have you a sufficient substitute?”
“Yes, there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that.  It is a fellowship [an A.A. group of] Alcoholics Anonymous.  There you will find release from care, boredom and worry.  Your imagination will be fired.  Life will mean something at last.  The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead.  Thus we find the fellowship [within an autonomous A.A. group], and so will you.”

You have mentioned feeling helpless, and if you might be willing to do so, maybe you could take that helplessness into Step One as “powerless over anyone’s alcoholism – unable to manage anyone’s life”, thereafter moving right along through the Steps yourself.  Ultimately, you would have a great understanding of us human beings and what makes us tick, and you would be able to offer to others the spiritual fellowship even they so desperately need.


Blessings to you, Mary!

Joe

Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com